When (and that should probably read 'if') my kids leave home and get a place of their own, it's payback time.
I hereby pledge I will...
Call them and ask them what's for dinner every day, then criticise their response. If I can do this face-to-face and roll my eyes and screw up my nose, even better.
Suggest I will be there for dinner. Maybe. Undecided. But probably. I'll let you know. Eventually.
Tell them I will definitely be there for dinner, wait until they have defrosted meat, bought supplies, and started preparing dinner for me, then text them that I've had a better offer.
Turn up at dinner time with extra people.
Eat all their lollies and chocolate. Especially the chocolate.
Throw up in their freshly made bed.
Continually open their fridge and tell them I can't see something which is staring me right in the face.
Turn all their lights and tv on, then walk out.
Leave plates and glasses and mugs all around and next to their dishwasher, but never in it.
Open every jar, packet, box and container in their pantry and not close any of them properly.
Use all their toilet paper and not replace the roll.
Never clean my own skid marks or use air freshener.
Wait until I'm at their house before applying any deodorant, perfumes or body sprays, then apply so much that a cloudy haze two metres off the floor remains for 24 hours.
Wear multiple layers of clothes, then gradually shed them around their house and leave them wherever they land.
Take my shoes off and find the most inappropriate place to put them.
Use their credit card to order books online and have them delivered to their house at 8am on a Saturday morning.
Give them a beagle which sheds white hair 24/7.
Roll around on the floor with said beagle, get covered in white hair, then sit on their dark grey sofa.
Criticise the fact there is white beagle hair all over their sofa.
Tell them all my friends are coming over just thirty seconds before the doorbell rings, and say "I thought I told you".
Kick footballs into every plant, garden structure, and window I can see.
Scatter fifty tennis balls around their back yard in slightly concealed places, but where they are most likely to be trodden on, resulting in a sprained ankle.
Run my fingers across their big screen tv and casually ask when was the last time they dusted anything.
Use their devices to download things, focusing especially on viruses. And if I can exceed their monthly limit while doing so, I will.
Break all their headphones and charger cords and maybe even a laptop.
Insult them hilariously, and end every crack with "I love you" in a sing-song voice.
Miss them terribly....sigh.