Feb 9, 2014

Cate's Selfie Class

I must not bag other bloggers.
I must not bag other bloggers.
I must not bag other bloggers.

By writing that three times, it cancels out what I'm about to bag, yes?

I'll bag myself even more, I promise.

I recently unfollowed a blogger who had published a post titled "How To Pose Yourself Thin For Selfies".

Each to their own, but I ain't got no patience for that shit. (read that gangsta style, it sounds better)

Firstly, it assumes we all just want to look thin. Not happy, or content, or in love, or blessed, or having fun, or radiating inner beauty or our own personal style. Just thin.

I could go on and on about my belief in the wrongness of that alone, but okay, let's assume I just want to look thin and read on.

It then assumed, essentially, that I am already somewhat thin, because all of the many, many examples of what to do and what not to do were posed by the same quite slim person who looked just as slim in the 'wrong' shots as in the 'right' ones.

Err, heads up lady, we are all different, and you did not cover this. You may want to stand side on to appear thinner, but I am a funny sort of apple shape with large boobs and slimmer hips. Standing side on is not my friend. Standing side on will get me asked when my baby is due, why I had a Kardashian butt transplant, and has my nose always been that big. Standing FRONT ON is my friend.

This continued on with regard to head, chin, shoulder, leg, camera and ego angles, again with no real benefit to me. I couldn't relate to the slim figure poses and couldn't conjure up the vanity required to care. Also, my box gap disappeared circa 1998.

And really, as long as I don't look like the obese love child of Freddy Krueger and an Orc in a photo, I'm happy enough. Usually. Most pics of me are sans makeup, bar a smear of lipstick (I have dry lips and ALWAYS put something on them, which probably makes people think I constantly have a fully made up mug), and often with uncombed or wet hair, occasionally in PJs, bingo wings exposed, and regularly with eyes, eyebrows, mouth and tongue doing rather ridiculous things. Honestly, when I look at pics of me, I sometimes wonder if my mouth is ever closed; I'm grinning, laughing, roaring....and then I'll come across a weird, tight-lipped, disgusted smirk, making me look like I've just smelled not only my own fart, but everyone else's too. I think I have smile-palsy.

Of course there are times I want to look my best in a photo. Not sure I've achieved it yet, I'm sure my perception of how I look in my bathroom mirror is much more positive than what the resultant photos show.
But it's OKAY. I am what I am, and who I am.

Because I regularly take part in Fat Mum Slim's photo challenge (#fmsphotoaday) I am often required to provide a pic of myself, and have mastered* the art**.
(*accidentally get a half decent shot, occasionally)
(**art is subjective)

So here's How To Pose Yourself Cate-Style For Selfies.

If you want to look intelligent, arty, earthy or mysterious, make sure your background has either, 
a) bookshelves (people might think you can actually read)
b) sunshine (with the right angle and cropping, nobody will see the big zit on your face)
c) garden (just not the dead pot plants you forgot to water), or
d) shadows and darkness (because you forgot to open the blinds and the iPad doesn't have a flash)


If you want to do it Cate-style, tongues are important.
So, apparently, are neck adornments.


Put your glasses on and stare that camera down.
If you don't need glasses, get some fakes, it's very hipster.


If not ordinary glasses, then sunglasses.
Always sunglasses.
Hides bloodshot eyes and disdainful looks.


Blowing kisses, aka duckface, helps overcome smile-palsy.
Also, it's stupid.
I like to look stupid.
Clearly.


Don't be afraid to look just slightly unhinged.
It keeps people guessing.


From 'slightly unhinged', it's only one small step to
'completely deranged'.
Go for it.


Get a second person in shot with you. Make sure they are either,
a) drunker than you
b) more famous than you, or
c) your husband, who people don't see very often
Because then nobody will care what you look like, they won't notice you or your bloody tongue, AGAIN.


If you are having a low self-esteem day (and yes, we all have them, it's okay to admit it then get drunk), where you absolutely cannot bear to show your wrinkles, tired eyes, unwashed hair, spidery veins, hormonal blemishes and unplucked chin, and yet, remarkably, still want to share a piece of yourself with your Instagram stalkers, then look for inspiration where women across the world have often looked.... look down....
Never underestimate the power of a shoe shot for that all important boost of confidence.
Unless you have ugly feet.
Then keep those bitches in socks.


For longer shots, just make sure you are wearing a bra.
You need to look after those puppies.
Because, if all else fails.........


BOOBS!




Cate's Selfie Class was brought to you in a joint venture by Tongue-In-Cheek-Unless-Poking-Out-Of-Your-Mouth Publications and Don't-Take-Your-Selfie-Seriously Studios.






12 comments:

  1. Great photos! You look lovely.
    I much prefer your selfie method to that thin styling one.
    I couldn't look thin if I tried.
    Like you, I'm apple shaped, (round, chunky, sturdy, whatever), also I'm short. To look thin I'd have to lose half my body weight. Not happening, I like to eat. And I'm happy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm happy too. I think my tongue poking is a sign of happiness.

      Delete
  2. Love it. I just think you need to work a little harder to look unhinged.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I may have deleted the most insane ones!

      Delete
  3. Needed this giggle today. Thanks
    Great pics of you too!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ohh!! I covet those purple shoes! ♥ ♥ ♥

    I totally rock the 'completely deranged' look. I also recommend getting the dog to photobomb the picture (great distraction technique).

    Our local paper (which is possibly even a bigger joke than The Messenger, if that's possible) always has pictures of the journalists next to their articles and every one of them has obviously been to the "How To Pose Yourself Thin For Selfies" university as they ALL have the same pose (slightly to the side, one hand on hip etc). And they all look pants. They think they look edgy and cool but all I see is mutton dressed as lamb in clothes at least a size too small and two decades too young for them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've seen so many women do it in casual pics with friends, they look like they're auditioning for Next Top Model while their friends just look normal and like they're having fun!

      Delete
  5. Unhinged, I knew there was a name my look. Thank you. xx

    ReplyDelete

Sorry Anonymous folk. Too much spam coming in, so you'll have to have a name.

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