Pink is supposed to be a happy colour. Cheery. You can't be sad, depressed or lonely when you are decked out head-to-toe in pink. Just ask Barbie. She is always bubbly and smiling and surrounded by her friends. Ken may have a differing opinion about his ex-missus, but I always thought he was a bit stiff.
It's a bit dull and grey here today, and I'm tired and lethargic, so in the name of research, I'm going to get my pink on and see what happens.
Clothes - Leona Edmiston Pink Layered Frill Dress.... Check.
Shoes - Corelli Pink Patent Wedges.... Check.
Nails - OPI 'Got A Date To-Knight?' Pink..... Check.
Lips - Bellabox 'Pinky Promise' Pencil.... Check.
Estee Lauder 'Stay Pink' Double Wear Lipstick.... Check.
Estee Lauder 'Pink Cupcake' Lip Gloss.... Check.
Eyes - Estee Lauder 'Rose Confetti' Eyeshadow.... Check.
Cheeks - Estee Lauder 'Rose Tea' Shimmer Blush.... Check.
Am I pink enough for you? No?
Probably because I do not have any of THIS....
PINK NIPPLE CREAM. Because with daily use, dark nipples, and therefore sadness, will NEVER occur.
Your headlights need to be cheered up, ladies! Your high beams ain't high unless they're pink!
My Pointer Sisters clearly need a makeover, as I am not happy enough yet. I've checked in the mirror and my baby hooks are looking, not dark and depressed, but a little washed out. I'm afraid to use this nipple cream as I think it's more of a bleach for the old glass cutters and I'll end up with white Anistons instead of cheery pink.
I guess I could skip the nips and just try THIS....
MY NEW PINK BUTTON. A simple to use GENITAL COSMETIC COLORANT that restores the youthful 'pink' back to a woman's genitals. The dye system kit includes 20 disposable applicators, mixing dish, and labia colorant dye.
Oh, and an instructional guide, for those of us who are perhaps slightly inexperienced at DYEING OUR FOOFIES. It is not tested on animals, but apparently having a DYED PINK HOO-HA will bring out the animal in me.
It was designed by a woman after she discovered her own genital colour loss. What the hell did she do? Take photos of her coochie every year for her Christmas cards and notice a gradual change in the glow of its 'grin'?
I had no idea my vajayjay's flappy bits had probably changed colour. Nobody told me this would happen, and it wasn't in Dolly magazine or The Feminine Mystique, I'm sure. So next time a bogan yells out "Show us yer pink bits!" should I reply "I can't, I haven't dyed them this week"?
Remember when a sign of a man cheating was finding a lipstick smudge somewhere on his face or clothes? Now you'll be suspicious every time your partner's nose looks that special shade of sunburnt pink, when it should've been in the office all day.
And some ladies will have to practice their innocent look when the man says, "I showered next to Brad, our pool guy, after gym today, and guess what? He has a bright pink schlong just like mine. What are the odds?"
I guess the bonus of pink snatch dye for me is that I could use it on my nipples too. What woman doesn't love a multi-purpose vag product?
But what if I don't want pink labia? What if I want a metallic look, to match this season's homemaker accessories from Freedom? Or I want to support the LGBT equality movement and My Little Ponies everywhere with a rainbow fanny?
WHY DO WE ALL HAVE TO HAVE PINK POONTANGS?
For eternal happiness, clearly.
This is what the Suffragettes and Women's Liberation were all about, ladies.
Not the right to vote, or work for equal pay, or end sexist discrimination, or have guilt-free orgasms.
It was for the right for all of us to make our bits PINK.
Next week, join Cate as she explores the world of underarm and inner thigh whitening cream.
And anal bleach.
Sincere apologies to Anita Heiss for hijacking and colourising the title of her book, Am I Black Enough For You? It bears no resemblance to this blog post. Anita can actually write.
And thanks to Kelly & Liz, and the other ladies I laughed with over this topic.
May your bits forever be whatever colour you want them to be.