Just last week a business I love revealed a sneak peek at their soon-to-be-released Christmas Gift Guide on their Facebook page.
Hilariously, a typo snuck into their accompanying blurb, and they announced their exciting new 'Christmas Git Guide'.
Once I good-humouredly-with-tongue-firmly-planted-in-cheek (couldn't resist) pointed out the typo and they equally good-humouredly thanked me and corrected it, I got to thinking. There may have been wine involved, I don't remember, but I realised that while there is a glut of gift guides appearing at this time of year, there is perhaps a neglectful gap in the market when it comes to comprehensive git guides.
In the interest of community service I thought I'd fill that gap, so here is my very own Christmas Git Guide.
The Super Organised Git
Usually female (and often an in-law of some description), this annoying Git bought all of her Christmas supplies in last year's post-Christmas sales, and told you all about it. She had organised payment plans for at least three assorted Christmas hampers by the end of February, and told you all about it. She had all of this year's gifts on lay-by in March, paid off in May, and wrapped in June, and told you all about it. She spent July hand-crafting the finishing touches for the table decorations and the personalised Christmas cards, and told you all about it. She announced on all social media when there was only 100 days until Christmas, that she was totally organised, and why aren't you?
Come 23rd of December, after months of your own procrastination and two full days of hectic, nervous-breakdown-inducing, last-gasp, very expensive shopping, you find yourself in a jealous psychotic lather, praying fervently to the bitchy-wish fairies that on Christmas Eve, when the shops finally close, the Git suddenly discovers she has forgotten a gift for somebody important. Like her own mother.
It never happens. Move on.
The Over-Abundant Spirit Of Christmas Git
You are so overwhelmed by her Christmas spirit, you want to high-five her.
In the face. With the Three Wise Men.
The Bah Humbug Git
The complete opposite to the Over-Abundant Spirit of Christmas Git, can be male or female. This Git denounces all things Christmas (all things happy, to be specific), and loves sharing his/her tight-arsed misery with anyone who'll listen, usually commencing their tirade in October, and not stopping until all signs or mentions of the festive season have been eradicated in late January. They avoid Christmas functions (especially if they have to pay for anything), refuse to partake in the exchange of gifts with anybody (see previous reason), and do not own a single Christmas decoration. This Git is defiantly proud of his/her anti-social reputation, miserly attitude, and nickname of Grinch.
In related news, this Git spends February to September complaining on Facebook about being single and alone.
You really need to unfriend him/her before they end up on reality TV. Like Hoarders. Or Crimestoppers.
The Boorish Drunk Uncle Git
For generalisation purposes, I have used the term Uncle. He may not be your Uncle, but he is probably somebody's Uncle. Uncle Git turns up with the cheapest bottle of wine, or none at all, and proceeds to drink everybody else's good stuff. To excess. He talks loudly, adjusts his crotch a lot, and scares small children. Every year he uses the same 'Pull my cracker' line with a lascivious nudge and wink, and then makes various comments around the 'that was a bloody good bang/you're not much of a bang' theme. He insists on reading out the lame cracker jokes with foreign accents and ogles the neighbour's teenage daughter who has popped in with some mince pies. Cue the disgusting 'warm apple pie' suggestions. His offer to play Santa at gift-giving time is roundly ignored, due to the previous year's incident with the Finnish exchange student regarding the unfortunate misunderstanding over the term 'Lapland'. He eventually falls asleep on the garden lounge while the kids test their new magic marker pens on his bald spot, before he is bundled into the back seat of the car, with a bucket, for the journey home.
You are so embarrassed for his wife.
Especially if he's your husband.
The Grumpy Old Git
Male or female, usually residing in a retirement village or nursing home. It is somebody's responsibility every year to arrange for the Git to have gifts for all the grandchildren (which the Git will complain cost too much), attend Christmas functions at every church, community centre and social group they've ever been involved in (which the Git moans about the other 11 months of the year), to transport them to and from the Christmas Day lunch at Auntie Rita's (who the Git can't stand anyway), and to look after all their needs, including toileting, while they complain incessantly that you are 'not doing it right'.
And every year you pray it is not your turn to be that somebody.
The Work Party Git
Your YouTube video of their exploits will get over a million hits.
The Mother's Group Git
Alpha female, often affluent, or at least projecting the appearance of being so. She makes sure she gives the best gifts to the teacher/childcare worker/ballet instructor/athletics coach, and somehow manages to up the ante every year, possibly peaking with personalised tree ornaments made with Venetian glass and decorated with Swarovski crystals. She buys gingerbread men, candy canes and marshmallow snowflakes for every child in the school/centre/troupe/team, as well as individual Christmas cakes for every parent, but waits until the last possible day to hand them out, so you can't possibly better her.
If you try, she will know. And it's game on.
The Indulgent Parent Git
Usually the female (occurs rarely in the male species), often also a Mother's Group Git. This Git will spend an extraordinary amount of money and time, and go to extreme lengths, to ensure her children receive exactly what they want, and then some, at Christmas. There is no expense spared on tech gadgets, designer labels and bespoke items, and she makes sure everybody knows about it. Her children will not only have the best presents, but the most presents, because quantity rates right up there with quality in her world. She will give her toddler one gift for every month he has lived, despite the fact he spent the entire previous Christmas ignoring his twenty-four presents and playing instead with the cardboard box his five year old sister's smartscreen TV came in.
If you want to keep up with these Joneses, you will have to arrange for Chris Hemsworth, Robert Downey Jnr and Jeremy Renner in their Avengers costumes to be waiting under the Christmas tree for your son, and for your daughter, have One Direction ride in on ponies.
Actually, I wouldn't mind either of those surprises...
The Flash-In-A-Pan BFF Git
Female, usually an old school friend. This Git was once fairly friendly with you, back when you were on the same socio-economic level, living in the same suburb, before she either inherited/married well/had cosmetic surgery/got promoted/moved east, and therefore became far too busy and important to make time for you. She gives the impression she has outgrown you, or become more successful than you, and that your partner doesn't have the right job and your kids don't go to the right school and you certainly don't shop in the right places or wear the right clothes. She has not contacted you all year, but she insists you must catch up at Christmas, and invites you to her Annual Christmas Ladies Only Charity Soiree to raise money for either an animal shelter, African orphans, or (you suspect) her son's European Kontiki Tour. She has the cocktails flowing thanks to Butlers-In-The-Buff, and the glassy-eyed, happy-pill-induced euphoria is quite high amongst her diamond-encrusted friends. The Git shows you off to all her new tribe as her oldest friend, gushes about how much she misses you and promises to meet for lunch next week with a view to renewing your BFF friendship, before ushering you out the door at the end of the night and turning to her current, scornful, shitfaced BFF to explain how she felt obliged to invite you because her mother will be seeing your mother at church on Christmas Eve and it is the season of Goodwill and being charitable to the less fortunate and all that.
You will not hear from her for another 12 months.
The Houdini Git
These are the Gits you hate the most, because you wonder WHY YOU DIDN'T THINK OF IT FIRST.
Good luck to you all with your gits this year.
Ho ho ho hum.