Nov 6, 2013

My Christmas Git Guide (no, it's not a typo)


Just last week a business I love revealed a sneak peek at their soon-to-be-released Christmas Gift Guide on their Facebook page.
Hilariously, a typo snuck into their accompanying blurb, and they announced their exciting new 'Christmas Git Guide'.

Once I good-humouredly-with-tongue-firmly-planted-in-cheek (couldn't resist) pointed out the typo and they equally good-humouredly thanked me and corrected it, I got to thinking. There may have been wine involved, I don't remember, but I realised that while there is a glut of gift guides appearing at this time of year, there is perhaps a neglectful gap in the market when it comes to comprehensive git guides.

In the interest of community service I thought I'd fill that gap, so here is my very own Christmas Git Guide.

The Super Organised Git
Usually female (and often an in-law of some description), this annoying Git bought all of her Christmas supplies in last year's post-Christmas sales, and told you all about it. She had organised payment plans for at least three assorted Christmas hampers by the end of February, and told you all about it. She had all of this year's gifts on lay-by in March, paid off in May, and wrapped in June, and told you all about it. She spent July hand-crafting the finishing touches for the table decorations and the personalised Christmas cards, and told you all about it. She announced on all social media when there was only 100 days until Christmas, that she was totally organised, and why aren't you?
Come 23rd of December, after months of your own procrastination and two full days of hectic, nervous-breakdown-inducing, last-gasp, very expensive shopping, you find yourself in a jealous psychotic lather, praying fervently to the bitchy-wish fairies that on Christmas Eve, when the shops finally close, the Git suddenly discovers she has forgotten a gift for somebody important. Like her own mother.
It never happens. Move on.

The Over-Abundant Spirit Of Christmas Git
Again, usually female (although she occasionally lures a male to join in for photos, as evidenced, left). She wears jingle bell earrings, reindeer ears, and a t-shirt which says "Official Christmas Lights Stringer-Upper...Don't Tangle With Me" throughout December. The Git hums Christmas carols constantly, and has them playing on a loop, piped into every room of her home. It is disconcerting to find yourself sitting on her toilet while the traditional French carol, "Whence Is That Goodly Fragrance Wafting?" plays from somewhere overhead. Her house is so heavily decorated with festive paraphernalia, it is like stepping into a cross between Santa's Magic Cave and a drag queen's walk-in wardrobe. This is all topped off by a life-size nativity scene in her front yard, which includes a wind-up crying baby Jesus, a glow-in-the-dark halo for Mary, and a sensor near the front gate which, when set off by similarly-spirited onlookers, or unsuspecting posties, causes the Star Of Bethlehem to shoot sparks two metres into the air.
You are so overwhelmed by her Christmas spirit, you want to high-five her.
In the face. With the Three Wise Men.

The Bah Humbug Git
The complete opposite to the Over-Abundant Spirit of Christmas Git, can be male or female. This Git denounces all things Christmas (all things happy, to be specific), and loves sharing his/her tight-arsed misery with anyone who'll listen, usually commencing their tirade in October, and not stopping until all signs or mentions of the festive season have been eradicated in late January. They avoid Christmas functions (especially if they have to pay for anything), refuse to partake in the exchange of gifts with anybody (see previous reason), and do not own a single Christmas decoration. This Git is defiantly proud of his/her anti-social reputation, miserly attitude, and nickname of Grinch.
In related news, this Git spends February to September complaining on Facebook about being single and alone.
You really need to unfriend him/her before they end up on reality TV. Like Hoarders. Or Crimestoppers.

The Boorish Drunk Uncle Git
For generalisation purposes, I have used the term Uncle. He may not be your Uncle, but he is probably somebody's Uncle. Uncle Git turns up with the cheapest bottle of wine, or none at all, and proceeds to drink everybody else's good stuff. To excess. He talks loudly, adjusts his crotch a lot, and scares small children. Every year he uses the same 'Pull my cracker' line with a lascivious nudge and wink, and then makes various comments around the 'that was a bloody good bang/you're not much of a bang' theme. He insists on reading out the lame cracker jokes with foreign accents and ogles the neighbour's teenage daughter who has popped in with some mince pies. Cue the disgusting 'warm apple pie' suggestions. His offer to play Santa at gift-giving time is roundly ignored, due to the previous year's incident with the Finnish exchange student regarding the unfortunate misunderstanding over the term 'Lapland'.  He eventually falls asleep on the garden lounge while the kids test their new magic marker pens on his bald spot, before he is bundled into the back seat of the car, with a bucket, for the journey home.
You are so embarrassed for his wife.
Especially if he's your husband.

The Grumpy Old Git
Male or female, usually residing in a retirement village or nursing home. It is somebody's responsibility every year to arrange for the Git to have gifts for all the grandchildren (which the Git will complain cost too much), attend Christmas functions at every church, community centre and social group they've ever been involved in (which the Git moans about the other 11 months of the year), to transport them to and from the Christmas Day lunch at Auntie Rita's (who the Git can't stand anyway), and to look after all their needs, including toileting, while they complain incessantly that you are 'not doing it right'.
And every year you pray it is not your turn to be that somebody.

The Work Party Git
Again, male or female. Like Uncle Git, this Git likes to eat and drink at somebody else's expense, especially the boss's. They will be drunk within an hour and hit on anything with opposing body parts (I've never struck a gay Work Party Git). They will photocopy their bum, drunk text an ex, brag about how good they are in bed, tell everybody why they should get the next promotion available, drunkenly bitch about the supervisor's wife....to the supervisor's wife, reveal more office secrets than Wikileaks, and attempt to bare either their own breast or someone else's, before throwing up in a pot plant, having utility room sex with the cleaner on level four and passing out in the foyer.
Your YouTube video of their exploits will get over a million hits.

The Mother's Group Git
Alpha female, often affluent, or at least projecting the appearance of being so. She makes sure she gives the best gifts to the teacher/childcare worker/ballet instructor/athletics coach, and somehow manages to up the ante every year, possibly peaking with personalised tree ornaments made with Venetian glass and decorated with Swarovski crystals. She buys gingerbread men, candy canes and marshmallow snowflakes for every child in the school/centre/troupe/team, as well as individual Christmas cakes for every parent, but waits until the last possible day to hand them out, so you can't possibly better her.
If you try, she will know. And it's game on.

The Indulgent Parent Git
Usually the female (occurs rarely in the male species), often also a Mother's Group Git. This Git will spend an extraordinary amount of money and time, and go to extreme lengths, to ensure her children receive exactly what they want, and then some, at Christmas. There is no expense spared on tech gadgets, designer labels and bespoke items, and she makes sure everybody knows about it. Her children will not only have the best presents, but the most presents, because quantity rates right up there with quality in her world. She will give her toddler one gift for every month he has lived, despite the fact he spent the entire previous Christmas ignoring his twenty-four presents and playing instead with the cardboard box his five year old sister's smartscreen TV came in.
If you want to keep up with these Joneses, you will have to arrange for Chris Hemsworth, Robert Downey Jnr and Jeremy Renner in their Avengers costumes to be waiting under the Christmas tree for your son, and for your daughter, have One Direction ride in on ponies.
Actually, I wouldn't mind either of those surprises...

The Flash-In-A-Pan BFF Git
Female, usually an old school friend. This Git was once fairly friendly with you, back when you were on the same socio-economic level, living in the same suburb, before she either inherited/married well/had cosmetic surgery/got promoted/moved east, and therefore became far too busy and important to make time for you. She gives the impression she has outgrown you, or become more successful than you, and that your partner doesn't have the right job and your kids don't go to the right school and you certainly don't shop in the right places or wear the right clothes. She has not contacted you all year, but she insists you must catch up at Christmas, and invites you to her Annual Christmas Ladies Only Charity Soiree to raise money for either an animal shelter, African orphans, or (you suspect) her son's European Kontiki Tour. She has the cocktails flowing thanks to Butlers-In-The-Buff, and the glassy-eyed, happy-pill-induced euphoria is quite high amongst her diamond-encrusted friends. The Git shows you off to all her new tribe as her oldest friend, gushes about how much she misses you and promises to meet for lunch next week with a view to renewing your BFF friendship, before ushering you out the door at the end of the night and turning to her current, scornful, shitfaced BFF to explain how she felt obliged to invite you because her mother will be seeing your mother at church on Christmas Eve and it is the season of Goodwill and being charitable to the less fortunate and all that.
You will not hear from her for another 12 months.

The Houdini Git
Male or female, single or family group. These Gits are the cleverest. You don't know how they manage to do it, as they hold their cards close to their chest and are good at keeping secrets until the last minute. They give vague responses when questioned about Christmas plans, what they are bringing, and suggestions they might be responsible for picking up the Old Git this year. Just when you think you have them nailed to make a commitment....*poof*....they disappear, off on a 21 day cruise around the Pacific which you just know they must have booked six months in advance. They avoid all the boring functions, all the dysfunctional relatives, all the horrible gifts and all of the hassles. And they get away with their great escape, leaving you gasping in wonderment.
These are the Gits you hate the most, because you wonder WHY YOU DIDN'T THINK OF IT FIRST.





Good luck to you all with your gits this year.
Ho ho ho hum.


13 comments:

  1. OMG, Cate....every one of these is hilarious! I'm so glad I stopped by, and I apologize for being absent for so long. I think you should repost this every year! It can be your Annual Xmas Letter, like some of those Gits would do, only theirs would be just horrible!! LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sort of a 'The years change, but the gits stay the same'... LOL :)

      Delete
  2. Very well observed. Luckily I don't have any of those gits in my life (which has been scrubbed clean of toxic 'friends')!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've managed to avoid, ignore or just not acquire gits. I think :)

      Delete
  3. Love it! Although sadly I think I used to be a mild version of "The Over-Abundant Spirit Of Christmas Git" (being childishly enamoured about all things Christmas) combined with a slight case of "The Indulgent Parent Git". As I was married to "The Bah Humbug Git" at the time, it's no wonder that it all ended in divorce :-)

    Christmas up here is a far different beast to Oz Christmas. One of the things I love about Sweden in December is the way it lives up to my clichéd idea of the perfect Christmas. While you are out and about, everyone is rugged up drinking glögg, kids are skating on impromptu rinks and the Christmas lights twinkle brighter than you could ever imagine on these dark northern nights. It is exactly like the white Christmases I’d seen in movies, on television in books and on every Christmas card I’d ever received.

    They are also much more low key on the gift giving with the emphasis being much more on spending time together (preferably somewhere warm and cosy out of the bone chilling cold - like Thailand...) than on gifts. So, I'm happily living in a Git free zone (although I still go to town on the decorations and the baking, so my "gitedness" is still a work in progress)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It sounds so lovely and magical. I think if I had a cold, white, traditional Christmas instead of a hot sunny one I'd be lured into an over abundance of spirit too! Starting with reindeer ears :)

      Delete
  4. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha....

    One question: Can we just skip the whole shiftiest and fast-forward to Easter?

    LCM x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WTF spellcheck? What the bloody hell is 'shiftiest'?
      SHITFEST. Although 'shiftiest' also works, come to think of it.
      Whateves... NEEEEXT!

      Delete
    2. Also, 'whateves'??

      WHATEVS. Right down there with the kids, innit.

      Good grief. I give up.

      Delete
  5. Love, love, love - very funny and so true!

    ReplyDelete
  6. hahaha!!! so very well said and so very true.
    First time visitor to your blog- I googled home blogs in Adelaide... cos that's where I am! Yours is one that showed up!
    I'll be back... as will Christmas and the gits!!!

    ReplyDelete

Sorry Anonymous folk. Too much spam coming in, so you'll have to have a name.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails