Nov 1, 2013

Beauty Industry, I'm Just Not That Into You

Dear Beauty Industry,
I'm just not that into you. It's not you, it's me.
Mostly. Well, it's a little bit you.
Admit it, you do try to give women low self-esteem, so they'll come running to you with a fistful of dollars to make themselves feel better. You're passive aggressive.
You're all 'Oooh, look at this woman, she's 55 but only looks 35 because she's been using our expensive products, how awesome is that? But of course, beauty comes from within*'
(*within our $95 moisturiser)
I do have a lot of your products in my bathroom cupboard, mostly from free* gifts with purchase of my favourite perfume (*not free really, the perfume is super expensive so I'm sure I'm paying for it). I don't know what to do with half of them, and the ones I have worked out...well, I commit myself to using them regularly, but like a lot of relationships based on looks and vanity, I lose interest when the initial excitement wears off.
I'm not a complete bag lady though.
I have just started colouring my hair, but I'm not sure how often I can be arsed doing it. I'm already wondering if I can just spray tan my odd greys for touch-ups.
Speaking of which, I tried my first spray tan from a can today, just on my legs as a test for summer. I have very white skin with freckles, I tend to burn and peel, and mum's poor melanoma outcome is a worry, so sunshine is not for me. It went okay. The overspray didn't get on the dog, I'm not orange and I smell like a nice coconut, so I guess that's a win for you. 
And I do wear make-up when I go out. Of course I like to look as nice as my 49 years of natural existence will let me. But it's simple basics; tinted moisturiser, powder, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara and lipstick. I have my routine so refined now that I can do it in less time than it takes Redfoo to decide who he's sending home on X-Factor. Which isn't much of a brag, I know, some Kardashians have probably married, fought and divorced during a Redfoo speech.
It's the extra stuff you're offering I'm just not buying into. I've never had a manicure, pedicure, facial or massage. I've never been lasered, exfoliated, dermabrased, or de-pigmentated (a couple of those may not be real words, but you get my drift). No Botox, collagen or silicone. I've never been wrapped, peeled, lifted, tucked or liposucked.
Even she doesn't look happy
with her eyebrows.
Not a look for me.
I've never even let anyone else wax me. Anywhere. Not even my eyebrows. I've seen all those "Celebrities Without Eyebrows" photos, I know I'd end up like that. I've always thought my home-maintained eyebrows were quite okay, but the body image self-doubts start to creep in when everywhere I turn, middle-aged women are talking about Eyebrow Bars. I thought it was some new cocktail bar where they were going to get trollied on overpriced Cosmos, but they're actually going there to have their eyebrows waxed, trimmed, threaded and tinted. I fear that one day I will be deliriously wandering through a shopping mall, dying for a stiff drink, and somehow come home with Gwen Stefani circa 2000 eyebrows. Heaven help me if they open Pube Bars.
Does my lack of partaking in 'extras' make me look older than 49? Maybe. Maybe not. People say I don't look that old, but people are generally polite about that sort of thing to your face. To your wrinkled, tired, sagging, sallow, unmade face.
Does my lack of partaking in 'extras' make me unhappy? Definitely not. A lesser person? Absolutely not.
Does it mean I have more money for wine, shoes, jewellery and your bloody expensive perfume? Hell yes.

What I'm trying to say, Beauty Industry, is that I just want to be friends, with no benefits.
You can't fuck with me.



  1. I'm exactly the same. I home dye my hair and manage to put on a bit of make-up if I'm going out. I used to have my eyebrows and lashes done but I can't be bothered anymore. I went to a beauty salon to have a facial before I was married 18 years ago and the woman was so patronising and rude about my 24 year old skin that I can't imagine the response I'd get now with my 42 year old skin. No thanks.

    You look great in your profile photo, so whatever you're doing or is working! xo

    1. hah, thanks V. I may have photoshopped it, don't remember....let's just pretend I didn't for now ;)

  2. Eyebrow bars?? Good Lord, what next?
    My beauty products are soap, moisturiser and sunscreen.
    And a brown eyebrow pencil to colour the grey eyebrow hairs, if I remember.
    Mostly I just look in the mirror to check my face is clean and that's it.

    1. I'm a Dove soap girl.
      Should also say I always wear lipstick, for protection more than anything, because I have very pale dry lips, they crack at the first sign of sun or wind or cold.


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