Friday, November 23, 2012

Cate's Not-For-The-Fainthearted Gift Guide


There's one in every crowd.

That one person, whether it be family or friend, who has everything.

They already have a lava lamp in every room, gnomes in the garden, a Reader's Digest subscription and a limited edition boxed set of all of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's movies. What more could they want?

It is my mission this year to open your eyes to some unique gift ideas for that one person in your life who you always leave until last, before rushing off to the Reject Shop to see if they have a new design of lava lamp this year.



1. Penis Print Leggings. 


Yes, they are a real thing. As much as I hate leggings worn as pants (because THEY ARE NOT PANTS), I fear the trend is not going away any time soon. And prints are big this season. But I guess if you don't want to look exactly like every other fashionista strolling in the mall with a takeaway soy latte in one hand and a Prada-via-Bali handbag in the other, these are what will make you stand out from the crowd.

They come in all colours, shapes and sizes. The penises, that is, I don't know about the leggings.

A close-up of all the willies












At 120 Euros, these 'trousers', cleverly called Is That A Cock Or Your Leg?, are not cheap bananas. Ahem. And incredibly, THEY ARE MEANT FOR MEN. Men wear leggings too??


If your man is a bit of a dancing diva, the leggings also come (ahem) in a bright and shiny package (ahem), called Disco Dick, in an orange and pink metallic print for the same price.














Dance floors will never be the same again.

But fear not ladies, buy some for your Hubby, and you can blend with him through your accessories by purchasing the matching Silk Penis Scarf at 190 Euros.

You can buy all of these items, and more (so, so much more) here. I dare you.


2. WTF Baby Mask
Baby masks made from extra thick latex, and individually hand-crafted in a variety of expressions by artist, Landon Meier. Each one is signed, numbered, and comes with a display stand. Or, you know, you can wear it all the time, because one size fits all.
Cry Baby

Disgusted Baby






Happy Baby. Seriously?



Fun for the whole family
The artist says he made them because he's messed up in the head. At about $350 per mask, he might be messed up and rich.
You can buy them here. Lord knows why.


3. Vulva Original Perfume
I have mentioned it here before, but thought it was worth bringing up again close to Christmas, to remind you all, YES, there is a vaginal scented spray on the market, aimed at both men and women (it's equal opportunity eau de toilette).



I don't know how it's made and I don't want to know, but if I see any men spending the majority of the day sniffing their own wrists, I'll know they're wearing it. The marketing campaign seems to rely heavily on photos of scantily clad women in a variety of poses, with strategically placed Vulva. Ahem. My Vulva googling (ahem) highlight was finding Jonathon Ross talking about it on his show. Do your own Vulva googling (ahem) for a good laugh.

You can buy it here. I assume it comes in the box. Sorry.


4. Bacon Everything
For the bacon lover who has everything, comes a range of bacon-related products, all at reasonable prices.



First we have the Bacon Bandages, because open wounds are just plain ugly, so we should all make them look pretty like bacon strips.

There are Bacon Christmas Ornaments to replace those boring candy canes.






And what about a Bacon Wallet? Because every man surely likes to handle his meat several times a day, in public, when buying petrol, or paying for dinner.... awkward.



And the bacon-pièce-de-résistance in my opinion is Bacon Air Freshener, described as Funky AND Fresh, so you can take that greasy scent wherever you go. 








You can buy all of these and more here. Oink.





5. Armpit Hair T-Shirt
Yes, it is exactly as the title suggests. Apparently it's for those who want to make a women's lib statement, but don't want to wear a tank top.
I have now officially run out of sarcastic words.


Sadly, I have discovered you can no longer buy these. The website was in German, but using my trusty high school Deutsch-speak from more than 30 years ago, I believe a rough translation tells us they have run out of black furry animals to stick in the t-shirt's armpits.
I suggest you buy a white t-shirt, find a man who is ready to remove his moustache at the end of Movember, and get crafty.


Happy Shopping.






Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Let's Go Shopping



I'm one of 'them'.

An Impulse Shopper.

I've always tried hard to rein myself in somewhat and keep control, and been proud that I am a Bargain Hunter Extraordinaire; I rarely pay full price for anything. And there have even been many occasions when the Husband has suggested I take myself off shopping somewhere, only to be puzzled by my response of "But I don't actually need anything right now".

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to shop, I can do it for HOURS, but not for no reason. You see, I must have a target of some sort, a Holy Grail I am seeking, whether it be as small and simple as the perfect shade of nailpolish, or as large as a new sofa. Then, and only then, can I feel justified at spending four hours trying on clothes and shoes before grabbing a furniture brochure and heading towards the OPI nail colours in David Jones.

For the sake of my credit card balance and my Husband's sanity, I cannot go shopping just for the hell of it. It doesn't feel right, and I KNOW I will spend up an unwarranted storm. But if there's a reason to be there, a 'must-have' item or gift I'm after, then Bring It On.

A quick trip to the supermarket last week reiterated why my Husband would prefer I do all our grocery shopping online, where I stick to my lists and only buy what we need. No extras. We were at a shopping centre collecting my new prescription sunglasses (the dog ate my old pair, seriously) when I remembered I wanted to get some of that special stuff you clean the dishwasher with by running it through a cycle, empty. Easy. Quick in and out. Fifteen minutes and $87 later...

The next day we made a quick trip to IKRAPEA to see if they had any cheap, comfy, stackable chairs we could use for the extra bums at Christmas and parties.(Husband has been a bit careless around our old plastic ones and they are now splashed with a variety of paint colours. And they are blue. My Christmas theme this year is red. They won't look right. Duh.) Anyway, two hours and $370 later....

This all follows on from last week's quick dash to the shops to get the Daughter a new dress or outfit (maybe two) for the multitude of parties she has coming up. Three hours and $400 later...

Only last night, the Husband said "It's the Myer Christmas Sale night, heaps of discounts. Come on, let's go in", and I started to move.... but stopped and said "No."

I think he stopped breathing for just a moment, and I may have too. I told him I didn't need anything, there was nothing specific to buy, so it wouldn't be worth the effort.

He seemed quite proud of me.

I am totally not telling him it's because I had not washed my hair for 48 hours, had a pimple brewing on my jaw, my sinuses were aching due to a hayfeverish wind, and I was a bit pongy after the 37 degree temperatures.

Let's just call it Impulse Control instead.


Do you stick to what you need or do you always get extras? And have you ever managed to leave IKEA empty-handed? 



Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Giving Bowl


I am reposting this blog on the Giving Bowl from earlier this year as Cate Bolt needs our help. She is currently recovering from another stroke, and is unable to type. This halts her fundraising efforts on Twitter, Facebook, and via her blog dramatically, and she worries about what this will do to Foundation 18's future. 
Worrying is not good for healing.
Please, if you can, donate to Foundation 18 here
or buy a Giving Bowl here
or something from Cate's newest ETSY shop, Skull Buttonry here
or something else like these gorgeous gift tags here


Please, every little bit helps.





The Amazing Cate has done it again.

Not me. The other Cate. Cate Bolt. The one with 9 children, who told me just the other day that by the time her youngest finishes school (he just started), she will have been packing school lunches for 30 years. THIRTY. I may have replied something about her being fucking insane, to which she did not disagree.

Anyway, Cate, Australian Humanitarian and Conservationist, Foundation 18 Founder, tireless Charity worker, handicraft maker and insane mother,  came up with the idea of The Giving Bowl.

The Giving Bowl is an international campaign for incidental altruism. The concept is simple - buy a bowl, throw your spare change in each day and when it's full - donate to a worthy cause. But it's not just an 'initiative' or an 'idea' or a 'suggestion'.... she went ahead and started making actual bowls.  (you can read about this more in Cate's blog) And they are lovely. They even come packaged so beautifully, I felt like I was ruining something arty when I opened it.


In Cate's words, her objective with this project is to be "as earth friendly, carbon neutral, fair trade and positive impact as we possibly can. To this end we have reviewed every single process from the fibres we select to the power we use to create an industry which has the most positive impact possible for the earth and all of its creatures." (If you wish to know more about the processes of making the bowls, check out the details on The Giving Bowl's Etsy page, where you can also purchase them...lots of them)




This is what we used to throw our spare change into... a plastic cup of unknown origins.




Now doesn't this look better?



So do yourself, your spare change, your favourite charity, and some very worthy kids a favour. Go check them out. Profits from the sale of these bowls go towards the Foundation 18 orphanage and education and medical outreach programs for severely disadvantaged children in Indonesia.
Buy one for yourself. Buy one for every family member. Give a bowl as a gift. It's the ultimat
e gift that gives and gives and gives.... Just like Cate. Not me. The other one.




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