Friday, November 23, 2012

Cate's Not-For-The-Fainthearted Gift Guide


There's one in every crowd.

That one person, whether it be family or friend, who has everything.

They already have a lava lamp in every room, gnomes in the garden, a Reader's Digest subscription and a limited edition boxed set of all of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's movies. What more could they want?

It is my mission this year to open your eyes to some unique gift ideas for that one person in your life who you always leave until last, before rushing off to the Reject Shop to see if they have a new design of lava lamp this year.



1. Penis Print Leggings. 


Yes, they are a real thing. As much as I hate leggings worn as pants (because THEY ARE NOT PANTS), I fear the trend is not going away any time soon. And prints are big this season. But I guess if you don't want to look exactly like every other fashionista strolling in the mall with a takeaway soy latte in one hand and a Prada-via-Bali handbag in the other, these are what will make you stand out from the crowd.

They come in all colours, shapes and sizes. The penises, that is, I don't know about the leggings.

A close-up of all the willies












At 120 Euros, these 'trousers', cleverly called Is That A Cock Or Your Leg?, are not cheap bananas. Ahem. And incredibly, THEY ARE MEANT FOR MEN. Men wear leggings too??


If your man is a bit of a dancing diva, the leggings also come (ahem) in a bright and shiny package (ahem), called Disco Dick, in an orange and pink metallic print for the same price.














Dance floors will never be the same again.

But fear not ladies, buy some for your Hubby, and you can blend with him through your accessories by purchasing the matching Silk Penis Scarf at 190 Euros.

You can buy all of these items, and more (so, so much more) here. I dare you.


2. WTF Baby Mask
Baby masks made from extra thick latex, and individually hand-crafted in a variety of expressions by artist, Landon Meier. Each one is signed, numbered, and comes with a display stand. Or, you know, you can wear it all the time, because one size fits all.
Cry Baby

Disgusted Baby






Happy Baby. Seriously?



Fun for the whole family
The artist says he made them because he's messed up in the head. At about $350 per mask, he might be messed up and rich.
You can buy them here. Lord knows why.


3. Vulva Original Perfume
I have mentioned it here before, but thought it was worth bringing up again close to Christmas, to remind you all, YES, there is a vaginal scented spray on the market, aimed at both men and women (it's equal opportunity eau de toilette).



I don't know how it's made and I don't want to know, but if I see any men spending the majority of the day sniffing their own wrists, I'll know they're wearing it. The marketing campaign seems to rely heavily on photos of scantily clad women in a variety of poses, with strategically placed Vulva. Ahem. My Vulva googling (ahem) highlight was finding Jonathon Ross talking about it on his show. Do your own Vulva googling (ahem) for a good laugh.

You can buy it here. I assume it comes in the box. Sorry.


4. Bacon Everything
For the bacon lover who has everything, comes a range of bacon-related products, all at reasonable prices.



First we have the Bacon Bandages, because open wounds are just plain ugly, so we should all make them look pretty like bacon strips.

There are Bacon Christmas Ornaments to replace those boring candy canes.






And what about a Bacon Wallet? Because every man surely likes to handle his meat several times a day, in public, when buying petrol, or paying for dinner.... awkward.



And the bacon-pièce-de-résistance in my opinion is Bacon Air Freshener, described as Funky AND Fresh, so you can take that greasy scent wherever you go. 








You can buy all of these and more here. Oink.





5. Armpit Hair T-Shirt
Yes, it is exactly as the title suggests. Apparently it's for those who want to make a women's lib statement, but don't want to wear a tank top.
I have now officially run out of sarcastic words.


Sadly, I have discovered you can no longer buy these. The website was in German, but using my trusty high school Deutsch-speak from more than 30 years ago, I believe a rough translation tells us they have run out of black furry animals to stick in the t-shirt's armpits.
I suggest you buy a white t-shirt, find a man who is ready to remove his moustache at the end of Movember, and get crafty.


Happy Shopping.






26 comments:

  1. This is a little terrifying, that these products have even been made at all.

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    Replies
    1. I know, I'm all for innovation but I can't imagine what is inside the mind of the baby mask dude...

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  2. I have been officially put off Christmas Shopping - thanks! (no seriously, thanks ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heh, this stuff kinda makes the Reject Shop look pretty good ;)

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  3. Best post ever. Thank you for a wonderful shopping experience.

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  4. LOL I will NEVER be able to look at a woman in print leggings again without tears of laughter hehehe ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll be looking closely at everyone's legs from now on....

      Delete
  5. I want a screengrab of your internet search history.

    ReplyDelete
  6. OMG! I can't stop laughing. This is just hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was tough writing about them. Laughter interruptions :)

      Delete
  7. And with this post, my day is made. But I do like the bacon bandaids. I do. I can't help myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are probably the only thing I'd buy (that I'll admit out loud)

      Delete
  8. I can't even begin to comprehend...

    ReplyDelete
  9. It might be interesting to give those penis pants to your Gran or someone with poor eye sight and see what happens if they wore them unknowingly...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lord, this path of discussion started on Twitter too. My mother is a candidate...

      Delete
  10. Thanks for all these wonderful ideas. I just know my partner will love his shimmy shiny metallic penis leggings, and no tree is complete without its bacon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And no man is complete without many penises on his legs.

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    2. but where are the penises for the tree?

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  11. Well that's all my Christmas shopping sorted then!

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  12. Thank you...I knew there was no need to go shopping this Christmas except for gag gifts. Funny stuff here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad to help. I suggest you start shopping slowly with the Bacon and build up to Penises.

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  13. Can you believe I read through your entire post and it wasn't until I got through the comments when I said, wait, what print leggings?

    Wow. Amazeballs.

    ReplyDelete

Sorry Anonymous folk. Too much spam coming in, so you'll have to have a name.

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