Jul 23, 2012

My A-Z Guide To The London Olympics

A is for Archery, Athletics and Armchair Experts.
Everybody at home is an armchair expert. We all know exactly what that loser athlete should have done to go higher, faster, stronger. And we will yell it at the TV constantly.
Athletics is a broad term to cover a lot of events which involve running, jumping, throwing, and jiggling body parts.
Archery is self-explanatory and somewhat boring as far as television viewing goes. A bunch of people standing around, shooting arrows at targets, yawn. Now, if they combined Archery with Athletics, and had moving targets, that would be scintillating viewing. Hunger Games, anyone?

B is for Badminton, Basketball, Beach Volleyball, Boxing and Boobs.
You knew you'd see shuttlecocks, balls, and fists flying at the Olympics... but boobs? Watch all the games closely....

Because sometimes they just pop out.

C is for Canoeing, Cycling and Condoms.
Canoeing covers a whole range of canoe and kayak events, cycling covers BMX, road and track events, and condoms cover penises. 150000 condoms will be available for the athletes this year, which equates to about 15 each. Imagine getting lucky 15 times in 17 days, as well as competing in events. That would be a Gold Medal performance.

I believe this girl is saying four times is enough...

D is for Diving and Drugs. 
Officials are declaring this will be the cleanest games ever, that if anyone cheats with drugs they will be caught. I think they said something similar before Sydney 2000. Anybody remember Marion Jones?
Diving scares the crap out of me as I'm not great with heights, so kudos to anybody who can just stand up on that tower, let alone jump off and have the skill to do a double somersault with half twist and come up with no injuries apart from a severe wedgie. 

Do you reckon this is his sex face too?

E is for Equestrian.
The art of combining horse and human in a display of grace, strength and stamina. And no, Black Caviar will not be competing. There will be people in funny hats though.

Apparently women's heads need protecting during medal ceremonies, but men's don't.

F is for Fencing, Football and Flipping The Bird.
Fencing is not a DIY contest to see who can build the best picket fence, and Football is not the Australian Rules version, but yes, flipping the bird is pretty much the same everywhere.

G is for Gymnastics
Both artistic and rhythmic gymnastics tend to feature heavily on our screens during the Olympics, so be prepared to see a lot of young girls with ponytails and glitter, either kissing, waving and smiling, or crying. But you won't see them eating.

Gymnastics is such a psychological sport, you can lose your head.

H is for Handball and Hockey.
Australians will see a lot of the hockey. Because we are good. And we like to see gorgeous bodies with their bums in the air.
Many years ago when I first discovered Handball was an Olympic sport, I was excited. Imagine my dismay when I realised it was not the schoolyard four-square handball version of my youth, and we don't even have an Australian team. Shattered dreams of Olympic glory, right there.

To be honest, I'd look like a bit of a goose doing this anyway.

I is for Ignorance.
There are many forms of ignorance in this country. Like, "I hate daylight savings, it fades my curtains" and "I'm not racist, but there are a lot of darkies working here" (don't even ask). Our ignorance also extends to the rules and intricacies of sports we don't understand completely and are not proficient at, but we have no wish to learn them, because yelling at the loser athlete or idiot referee would not be as much fun if we actually knew what we were yelling about. We also like to remain ignorant of the fact that it takes an awful lot of hard work, skill, guts and determination just to qualify for an Olympic team, let alone compete well, or make a final. We just want the Gold, you wankers.

J is for Judo.
I will admit I know nothing about Judo. (see Ignorance, above)

It may not be pretty, but at least they are having a crack....

K is for Kaia Kanepi. She is a 27 year old tennis player from Estonia. Good luck if you spot her at all, as they only tend to show the tennis finals and I don't expect her to feature in the medal games, since her biggest win so far was the Brisbane International this year. But she is the best in Estonia, which I guess gets her free tickets to Eurovision.

The Russian Ladies Tennis Team partying at Eurovision. Yeah, that's a lie.

L is for London, Linus Lichtschlag and Love.
London is, obviously, where all the action is, and where you will find Germany's Linus Lichtschlag competing in the Men's Lightweight Double Sculls Rowing. I have no clue about his chances, I just love his name. Maybe Linus will find someone who wants to licht his schlag. (see Condoms, above)

Well, ladies?

M is for Medals, Medal Tally and Missed Opportunities.
Gold, Silver and Bronze medals are handed out for every event, and the TV channels take great delight in flashing the medal tally at us every hour, on the hour. When your country's tally shows only one Gold medal in some obscure shooting event, and 16 Silver medals in the more fancied sports, you can yell at the irritatingly positive TV host, "No, that's not a great accomplishment, that's sixteen MISSED OPPORTUNITIES, YOU HOPELESS WANKERS". (see Armchair Expert and Ignorance, above)

N is for Nozomi Nakano.
Nozomi is representing Japan in the Women's Individual Epee at the Fencing. She is 26, 173cm tall, and... oops... googling her name seems to bring up a lot of links to both fencing and Asian porn...

"Oh yeah, stick it in me, baby..."

O is for Opening Ceremony.
This is when the host country likes to bore the pants off everybody by demonstrating their history through interpretive dance. They tend to skip things like wars, genocide, racism and dreadful reality shows, and focus on the good parts. Fancy lighting, dramatic music, clever aerial tricks and cute children will ensure positive feedback. Engelbert Humperdinck will not.

Please. Just. Say. No.

P is for Pentathlon.
It is celebrating 100 years at the Games and is actually now called the Modern Pentathlon, but to be honest, I don't see anything modern in it. Competitors have to swim, ride a horse, run, fence, and shoot a gun, often while wearing white. Just like those tampon commercials in the 80s.

Beware women in white who can wield multiple weapons.

Q is for Queen. As in Caroline Queen, competing for the USA in the canoe slalom. Oh, and Queen Elizabeth, who is competing for the UK in sailing, I believe.

If Queenie doesn't win a medal, she'll at least get Best Dressed Crew.

R is for Rowing and Rain.
Fact: It is London. There will be some rain.
And rowers. Men with amazing arms, what's not to love? Enough said.

Would you look at the size of their... equipment...

S is for Sailing, Shooting, Swimming, Synchronised Swimming.
Australians love water sports. We embrace swimming for reasons already mentioned. (see Hockey, above)
Sailing is also a big pastime, though for television viewing excitement it does tend to be a tad lacking, with winning the America's Cup in the 80s, and Jessica Watson's homecoming after sailing solo around the world being the only exceptions.
In light of recent events, I will not make a joke about combining shooting and synchronised swimming.

Somebody here didn't get the memo about the last minute costume change...

T is for Table Tennis, Taekwondo, Tennis, Trampoline and Triathlon.
Bats, blocks, balls, bounces, and bikes. I have done all of these. Taekwondo is like Mahjong, yes? Oh. (see Ignorance, above)

This may or may not be me.

U is for Urine Sample.
This is what the athletes must give, on demand and under supervision, when drug tested. This is no time to develop stage fright. I wonder if a drug official will one day write a best-selling book about everybody's urine samples.... 50 Shades of Piss.

"Put your hands up, all those who cheated..."

V is for Volleyball.
I tried to play volleyball in high school. The girl next to me broke her arm. I quit.
Volleyball is actually an exciting, athletic game of high-fiving, slapping, patting, hugging, cheering and huddling, punctuated by playing a few points now and then.

I love you, man

W is for Water Polo, Weightlifting and Wrestling.
Some would say that water polo is like weightlifting, wrestling and handball combined, just in water. They'd probably be right. There is certainly plenty of snatching, lifting, jerking, pushing, slapping, grabbing and holding, often with comical results (see Boobs, above).
Weightlifting is much simpler. You eat some burgers, sniff some salts, slap chalk on your hands and go lift a car.
Wrestling is more complicated. I am oblivious to the technicalities of the sport (see Ignorance, above), but it looks a bit like angry sex, without any of the enjoyment. 

This is the little known Head-Up-Arse-Half-Nelson wrestling hold.

X is for Xiaoxu Xu and Xin Xin.
Xu, or TripleX, as I like to call her, is a member of China's women's hockey team.
Xin Xin is an 800m swimmer, also from China, and is just 15 years old.
Xin Xin is also the name of a giant female panda which lives in a zoo in Mexico City. I believe she did not make their Olympic team due to weight issues.

Xin Xin would have made a fine addition to the Gymnastics team. Balance Beam is her specialty.

Y is for Yemen.
Four athletes will be representing Yemen in London. They have an 18 year old running in the Men's 1500m, a 20 year old in the Men's 60kg Judo, a 23 year old in the Men's 58kg Taekwondo, and a stunning young 19 year old student running in the Women's 100m. They are the Department Of Youth. GO YEMEN!!! (By the way, I totally loved Salmon Fishing In The Yemen)

Nothing to do with the Olympics, I admit... I just love Ewan McGregor

Z is for Zohar Zemiro.
Zohar is an Ethiopian-born hairdresser marathon runner, who will be representing Israel in London. In 2011, he ran the Amsterdam marathon in a personal best time of 2:14:28, coming in 10th, and qualifying him for the Olympics. When asked for his reaction, he said, "It is the happiest moment of my life". Australians do not understand this under-achieving attitude (see Armchair Expert, Ignorance, Medals, Medal Tally and Missed Opportunities, above).

You Don't Mess With The Zohar... wait, he looks nothing like Adam Sandler...

So it's almost time to grab the chips and booze, sit back, relax, and spend 17 days supporting your country with the age-old cry...(are you ready to yell it with me?)....


Oh, sorry, I mean...


  1. This is the best. Why am I the first to post? What's wrong with you Aussies? Cate is a national treasure! Get worshipping!

    1. Yeah, I should get a gold medal... ;)

  2. Interesting and worth reading post...really put a hard work on it...DO u live in LOndon ?

  3. I got stuck on the boob shot! So funny. You are one hilarious woman xx

    1. I may have drooled on the rowers, LOL x

  4. Not sure if it's the sugar rush from the ice magic, but that diver's face...I am rolling on the floor! Freaking hilarious.

    1. It's like he's travelling at Mach 3 in a jetplane, LOL.

  5. You'll have the BBC phoning you up demanding that you take up a spot on their punditry team. For Sure!

    1. Oooh, I would so like to do that. Being wicked for a job, that's my dream.

  6. I keep scrolling up to take another look at the photos. Funny stuff.

    As for Salmon Fishing on the Yemen. I love that movie too. And Ewan.

  7. I hate watching the Olympics, or any sport for that matter, it just bores me..zzzzzzz..but I love reading this! Hilarious!


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