That's not to say I haven't been watching though. And one day this month I noticed the theme was 'a corner of your home'. I started looking at my corners, wondering which I would have chosen, then realised I probably needn't take it so literally. A corner can mean a cosy spot. Who says there has to be right angles involved? Even Barbra sang about memories lighting the corners of her mind and I bet her mind isn't square.
But the kid in me who got straight As for maths in high school wanted to please the teacher, Mr Pythagorus, with specific accuracy, so my eyes were continually drawn back to the literal corners of my home and I just had to take a few snaps. I looked at the pics and found myself wondering if you can tell much about the people who inhabit a space by looking in their corners. I mean, mostly in mine you'll find dust, which tells you I might be a lazy housebitch, and you'd be right.
But what else do they say?
First to the family room.
This corner says nice things. Scented candle. Perfumed roses, freshly picked from the garden. Memories. Old photos. Venetian glass. A grandmother's Red Cross certificate from the Great War, almost 100 years old, framed and on show. All gathered around another grandmother's family heirloom, a cedar chiffonier which has been lovingly restored. It all says "She loves history and nostalgia. A sense of family." Or "That old cupboard is worth a bloody fortune, I'll have that."
Let's go to the kitchen.
These corner shelves show a collector may live here. Jugs, teapots, and old crockery. Tins, bowls and kitchen utensils. Everything old. They say "Oh, she appreciates times gone by and pretty, useful things." Or "Whoa, somebody call that Hoarders show."
In another corner of the kitchen...
Into the back room we go.
Books, books and more books. It says "Somebody is an avid reader." Or "Somebody sure likes to avoid housework by reading all day." Or "Is she trying to fool us into believing she's intelligent, or what?"
A PC, printer and a pile of bills to be paid. This says "Normal."
Let's brave the Daughter's bedroom.
Awww, this says "A lover of purple, teddies and fairies. And possibly chickens." Oh, wait a minute... what's in that corner...
Chaos and a True Blood poster. This says "Apparently she's a vampire who no longer needs to look into her mirror, nor use this dresser as a desk. Where the hell does she do her homework then?"
Time to step gingerly into the Son's room. (Gas masks on, people)
Red and yellow walls, a small wardrobe, funny poster and basketball paraphernalia. This says "Teenage male with simple clothing tastes who watches TV and loves basketball." Yeah, there isn't even an "or" to go with this shot. That's it. In another corner...
"Teenage male who watches TV, loves sport, and has an interest in geography." Or "Teenage male who watches TV, loves sport, and was given a globe for a birthday present by an auntie many years ago for no fathomable reason."
Come into my bedroom with me. (You've always wanted me to say that to you, haven't you?)
The first thing you'll notice is the very big jug. Euphemism? Possibly. It's white and has pink on the tips, so... Moving on. The scattered perfume bottles may tell you I just like to smell nice, or that my son and his friends smell so bad I like to have a masking agent close at hand at all times. The overall darkness says "She likes mystery and ambience in the boudoir." Or "She didn't turn on the light in case it showed up the dust on the dresser." You will notice the lack of sex toys on display. This says "Conservative and shy, hides the minx inside." Or "She keeps them closer to the bed." Or "She quickly hid them before taking the photo." Or "Sex toys? What sex toys? I just want to sleep..."
Cotton balls, fragrant diffuser and scented soaps. This says "They like rooms to smell nice." Or "Her Husband steals the soap from every hotel room he stays in."
And in another corner...
"This woman has jug issues."
I think we should wander into the hallway.
Leadlight, old furniture, a sunhat, and a collection of old umbrellas, walking sticks, cricket bats, and even a croquet mallet. This says "More nostalgia, a love of useful things from the past and present, displayed for all visitors to see." Or "I have a cache of weapons by my front door if you try to break in, and I am not afraid to use them."
Living room next.
More freshly picked roses on an old restored ice chest, an old clock, and a vintage standard lamp picked up at auction. This says "Simplistic beauty, she has an eye for a good vignette." Or "Boooooooring. She didn't dust the ice chest. And have you noticed all the windows? Has a bit of an obsession with timber venetians, doesn't she?"
Fine. Surely the laundry is the last stop on my corner tour.
"More venetians and old shit? Seriously?"
I've been mulling over these photos for a while. Maybe the corners of my home say something about us, maybe they don't. Maybe they give you an idea, but not the whole picture. Or maybe there is one corner which tells the entire story in one hit......
"Pisshead who never dusts."