Why I don't watch daytime television...

I don't watch daytime television because...

It might distract me from important housebitch chores.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA Okay, I'll start this again.

I don't watch daytime television because...

It tells me constantly that I am going to die in a tragic accident or of some hideous disease any day now and my family will be screwed because I don't have a funeral plan.

It leads me to having nightmares about my Daughter appearing on the next commercial for Good Riddance Funeral Homes saying "Mum spent all her money on shoes and didn't put any aside for her funeral. I had to pawn my iPod to pay for her casket. Hope the bitch rots in cardboard hell."

All sorts of doctors on several channels seem to confirm the hideous disease aspect of my not-too-distant future. And why do they wear scrubs and white coats when hosting a TV show? Do they think they're going to do emergency surgery on an audience member?

Furthermore, I learned 1 in 3 women aged over 45 will develop osteoporosis. My two BFFs who are older than me don't have it yet, so I guess I'm it. I didn't want to know that I'm going to get shorter than I already am. I need to buy more high-heeled shoes. At least my casket will be smaller.

I am led to believe I am a bad housebitch because I did not start paying for a Christmas Hamper last January.

I have seen every episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent so I already know whodunnit. And Goren gets kinda fat.

Speaking of which, I already eat too much food, I don't need to be taught how to cook even more to get fatter, and then sit through commercials about weight loss aids which tell me if I drink nothing but TastesLikeShit slimming shakes, I will lose 57 kilos in 8 days. Probably from vomiting and dehydration.

That Elizabeth woman on The View makes drowning in TastesLikeShit shakes a preferable option to listening to her whiney voice.

I keep getting told that the energy companies are ripping us off. All of them. I already know this, but until someone can work out how to turn my Dog's farts into electricity, I have to use one of them.

And they tell me to save energy, I have to turn off the beer fridge. This will never happen. It also contains my wine and vodka.

Judge Judy scares me.

I have no desire to watch replays of the crappy shows I refused to watch the night before.

I am pounded with promises that every insurance company wants to put my needs first. This I know to be bullshit. Do not bullshit me. Please. Just tell us you are out to bleed us dry and dispute any claims. This I will believe.

I don't need to see what 12 years of foot neglect looks like while I'm eating lunch.

Maury Povich and Jerry Springer. Enough said.

I feel pressured that in order to be really cool, live an exciting lifestyle and traverse dry creek beds, we need to upgrade our car. Even though we've only had it 6 months. And there are no dry creek beds in our suburb. And I don't even drive.

According to a bunch of really attractive actors, I shouldn't have married the Husband 24 years ago, but should have waited to find my perfect match online. Because he's out there, waiting to talk to me right now, y'know.

Channel 7 midday movies. I have seen that teenage boy dive off Clausen's Pier and become a quadriplegic approximately six times already. And Lindsay Wagner seems to have gone from the Bionic Woman to the Hallmark Corny Telemovie Woman.

Screaming American audiences. Seriously, do the producers hand out Ecstasy and Red Bull to them as they line up outside the studios? Besides, I can watch Ellen at 10pm when I've had a few wines and am more likely to find the screaming hilarious.

Yumi Stynes. I'm sure she's lovely, but Robbie Williams gave her an almighty pash when she was working on Channel V many years ago and I've never forgiven her for it.

I get overwhelmed by the inventiveness of the names chosen for TV shows in the morning, like... The Morning Show.

Charlie Sheen is no funnier at 9am than he is at 8pm. Which is not at all.

Sesame Street is often the most intelligent show I can find.

It tells me I need to spend hundreds of dollars on makeup so I can get the 'natural' look. And if I'm one of the first 100 callers I can get bonus gifts of another layer of makeup to look even more natural. Apparently their idea of 'natural' differs a whole fucking lot to mine.

According to shampoo commercials, I should risk permanent neck and brain damage by swishing my hair back and forth more often, or I'm some sort of haircare loser.

I'm tired of hearing that there's something special for everyone in every single store this Christmas. There isn't. Some people just want cash. Show me the money.

Infomercials. I curse the day some American TV executive came up with the format. As Stephen King says in his book On Writing... "I don't want to speak too disparagingly of my generation... actually I do, we had a chance to change the world and opted for the Home Shopping Network instead."

The ridiculous smiles on the faces of the morons demonstrating the Ab-Circle Pro Version 2.0. Nobody smiles while they exercise. Nobody normal anyway. Haven't they watched Biggest Loser? People sweat and vomit while they exercise. I want to see that.

Our TV shows get all their Hollywood gossip from gay men in Hollywood who wear more 'natural' makeup and hair products than I do. I bet they swish more too.

Lack of loyalty. Rumour has it, Kerri-Anne Kennerley is being pushed aside. Who will we make fun of for stunts like this?...




Disclosure: I had to watch daytime television for two days to research this post and remind myself why I don't watch daytime television. My IQ and general wellbeing are going to take a month to recover. I hope you're happy.