Aug 16, 2011

Open Letter To Tina Fey

This may be a photo of you Tina, or it may be me. The resemblance is astounding, I know.

Dear Ms Fey,

Firstly, I'm going to call you Tina. I think you and I have become close enough over the last few weeks to drop the formalities and go straight to inappropriate familiarity, hey Teens?

When I say we've become close, what I mean is, I read your book, Bossypants, so I really know you. And we have so much in common it's scary. Like your Dad's name; it's Don. So is mine! Well, actually it's Eric, but it's pretty close to Don, don't you think? And I was a 'change-of-life' baby for my Mum too. Like you, I also had an 'Aha' (not Ahh Bra) moment Oprah would be proud of when I realised I had old parents. My Dad took me to the betting shop (as he called it, another sign he was old which I had previously missed) and one of the toothless, smoke-hazed women there said to him "Oh, how lovely, you've brought your grand-daughter in to learn about gambling."

I'm pretty sure I also learned all about my body not from my Mother, but from publications such as "Growing Up and Liking It", "What's Happening To My Body?", "How Shall I Tell My Daughter?" and of course Dolly magazine, but mostly from my much older and wiser neighbour, Maria, who sagely informed me that a period was "like doing a really runny poo, only it's not poo, it's blood." I mistakenly thought I would go to the toilet, get it done in under three minutes, and it would all be over until the next month. What the fuck? It lasts for days?? (by the way Tina, I should add I am relieved that my Mother was not the only one who bought maxi-pads the size of a loaf of bread, did you walk across the schoolyard like you had just ridden a horse in the Paris-Dakkar rally too?)

Like you, since turning 40 I also feel the need to take my pants off as soon as I get home from a hard day of, err, shopping. I also go to the bathroom a lot, just to get some 'me' time; not so much from the kids any more, these days it's to escape the dog. I too was once very skinny and had a super short haircut. At the same time. I virtually disappeared. I had to grow my hair back so people could find me. Unfortunately my body grew in sync.

And then there's your Greek ancestry. My neighbours are Greek! The similarities between us just keep popping up! But seriously, I once had an American follower on Twitter who regularly asked me if I was actually Tina Fey, tweeting hilarious comments under a pseudonym. Sure! Tina Fey, one of the funniest women on the planet, gifted writer and performer on Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock, when choosing an alter-ego, elects to be a short, dumpy, sarcastic housebitch from Adelaide, Australia, with a penchant for wine, chocolate and swear words. Wouldn't everybody choose that? Fuck yeah!

It's like looking in a mirror, I'm telling you, you can see it, yes? You know it.

Another thing we have in common is that I don't drive either! I know! We're like twins! And I'm also great at improvisation. Not like you on a stage. More like when a recipe calls for tomato paste and I have none, so I add barbecue sauce instead. Or when I forget someone's birthday and have to make up a quick story about how the dog ate the card I was going to send (was difficult when we had no dog for a year, I'm telling you). Or when a not-very-young woman is discussing how much of her bikini line should be waxed before a holiday and the momentary horror of picturing her rather rotund figure in a skimpy bathing suit passes across my face and I have to pretend I've just eaten a sour grape. Improv. I do it daily.

So, because of all these parallels between us, I am hereby applying for the position of your Best Friend Forever. I have no idea if the position is vacant, but if it's only Amy Poehler standing in my way, I'm sure I can take her. I mean, wouldn't you rather have an older, uglier, less funny version of yourself standing next to you on a red carpet premiere (for example), therefore making you look awesome, instead of some tiny, cute, witty blonde?? Come on! Weird brunettes unite! And if the need ever arises to escape some overzealous paparazzi stalking us outside Saks (where you've taken me to buy me some gifts), I could be your stunt double. See? I have multiple uses!

See, why would you want this....

...when it could be like this...

You'd be mad to ignore me on this, and I recommend you should at least fly me over for an interview. Whilst you ponder my application, I feel it's only fair that I mention I will be extending a similar offer to Dawn French.

Your future BFF under consideration,



  1. Love it. How could Tina fail to ignore what is clearly her destiny?

  2. You forgot to mention how cool and fashionable it is to have a BFF called Cate with a C.

  3. Traitor! I thought I was the ONLY ONE you were making this offer to?
    What happened to the wetsuit proposition? Eh? EH??




    LCM x

  4. If I was Tina, I would totally hire you.

    I've settled fir following you instead ;)

  5. I felt EXACTLY the same after I read her book. I just wanted to be her friend. And I wanted her to like me. Creepy or what??

    Now she's seen your jumper I doubt she'll be able to resist. I know there's no way I bloody could.


  6. As Jack Donaghy once said to Liz Lemon, "I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman."

    I'm sure she'll become your BFF

  7. I think I just peed a little...
    Yay for daggy Adelaide housewives!

  8. You are meant to be together. The red carpet argument is a killer. She'd be mad to miss on this opportunity!


  9. It's like you were separated at birth.

  10. Clearly your elderly parents gave birth to twins, and decided to keep the prettiest one and send the other to a couple in America. When Tina takes up your offer, she'll also be meeting her long lost sister!

  11. Oh I love this. You are too funny. I adore TF - was watching 30 Rock last night....
    Bossypants is a great rtead. I too like to take off my pants when I get home xxxx

  12. Go on, invite her to dinner...with Lance Armstrong :)

  13. I think your Bill Cosby sweater will seal the deal. :) ....and I just have to say, I go mad for a pleated skirt, so good.

  14. I seriously thought that you were Tina until you burst my bubble with this post! :(

  15. Hahaha....forget about Dawn French...I already have Dibs on her and Jennifer Saunders!! And I've offered to split My Extraordinary Friendship with the both of them! Soooo...You best Just hold out for Teens! ;P
    Great post Cate! *CLinK*

  16. Ah, the sour-grape wince. I know it well. Tina Fey is one of my favourite people (not creepy, not creepy at all, Bern, cos I felt the same way).. and she would be a fool not to put dibs on you before Dawn French got in first. Who could resist taking you shopping to buy you gifts? I mean come on.

    P.S. Thank you for reminding me to read DF's book! I forgot.

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  18. Dammit... I have an unhealthy stalker like obsession for Tina Fey. Now that you've drawn all these parallels and seeing that I'm a one-woman faithful sort of stalker I'm going to have to choose which of you I unnerve with my creepy love.
    I'd imagine you'd be a more cost effective subject.

  19. I now have visions of us all sitting with no pants on. Love this, love you x

  20. Oh I loved this. I also love Tina Fey. And that last photo? GOLD. You look like you could be the best friend/neighbour from The Goldbergs. Look it up, I love THAT too.


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