Jul 15, 2011

Damn You Rihanna

Oh Rihanna, you have a lot to answer for. You and your weird wigs, chains and whips and sex in the air. It's your fault I had to tell my daughter what 'S & M' stands for.

Now, my daughter is 16 and not a particular Rihanna fan, she's more of a Muse, Foo Fighters and Green Day kinda girl who even likes my Simple Minds, The Cure, Radiohead and Birds of Tokyo CDs (thank you baby cheesus for giving me a rock chick and not a dance diva), she is not innocent as pure snow (we don't get snow in Adelaide), she watches True Blood and has therefore seen simulated sex acts, fellatio and horny fangbangers (but as of last week is still a virgin which she announced in front of our friends *cringe*) so when the Rihanna video came on TV I was a little taken aback when she turned to me and said,

'What does S & M actually stand for anyway?'

I thought of lying. 'Sunshine and Moonbeams' came to mind.

'Smiles and Memories.'

'Sausages and Mash.'

I'm not sure how I would have connected sausages and mash with having sex in the air but it would explain Rihanna loving the smell of it.

Anyway, I didn't lie. Whenever she's asked me a straight-out question, I've never lied. Except that time she asked why the Tooth Fairy hadn't visited and I went into a detailed bullshit story about lots of kids losing their teeth on the same night and demand being high and the Fairy's schedule being backed up, when in fact the Fairy had a few wines and went to bed with no thought of tooth collecting.

So I told her.

And then a strange thing happened. I found I couldn't speak in complete sentences. I kind of spat the words at her, sort of like a really twisted word association game.














And so on.

It was weird, as my 18 year old son was also in the room, smirking in the corner, shooting aliens and pretending he wasn't interested but absorbing every stilted, staccato word I spat out.

And you know what was weirder?

I realised my daughter had said 'Ahh, okay, I get it...' and wandered off after the first five or so words, no longer wanting to listen to her mother speaking of such things.

But I kept talking.

And now I have part of the song stuck in my head.

"I like it, like it, come on, come on..."

Which is ridiculous, let's face it, we're lucky to find the energy for a quick bounce these days, let alone worrying about getting tied up, having hot wax dripped on each other and attaching pegs to nipples. Knowing my luck I'd set fire to the bedroom, and not in a good way, and have to confront firemen looking like I'd had the washing hung from me.

Damn you Rihanna.


  1. Doesn't popular culture sometimes bring to the fore those awkward moments? Like my four year old almost sort of singing the Family Guy theme and when it comes to "and sex on TV" she has this mash of sounds so it comes out like "shares on TV" - phew - dodged a bullet there, for now at least.
    What is she doing watching Family Guy? Umm, the DVD was lying around?

  2. This is currently one of my daughter's favourite songs. Thankfully, she's only 11 months old so can't talk. Trust me, I'll be changing what we let her dance to before she gets older!

  3. When Mr10 was 7 or 8 he asked about the tooth fairy,Santa etc so I told him the truth, then asked if there was anything else he wanted to know about. he says, "I know how men and women have sex, but how do gay men do it?" o_O

    So I told him, and had a rather large scotch.

  4. hahaha.....those lyric are ridiculous. I can't imagine having to explain them, although we as kids did pretty well on our own figuring out Price's Computer Blue lyrics off of Purple Rain.

    Praise to Mothers!

  5. I didn't even have a daughter yet when The Blackeyed Peas released 'My Humps'. I heard it in the car, in disbelief I remember thinking "Oh My. SO glad I haven't got an 8 year old singing along and bopping to this."

    Now I have one who loves Justine Clark and Hi5. I know my days are numbered. :(

  6. Song lyrics today are just terrible aren't they. The trouble is we just sing along to them without really thinking what they are. You'll suddenly realise what you've been singing and think wow that's not suitable for my little girl.

  7. Hahahaha...hahaha! Oh My....You know Cate; I bloody wish that we lived side by each! You'd be the best neighbor to have. Never a dull moment!
    Girl...You make me laugh, Laugh, LAUGH!!!! God Bl....oh Hell...who am I kidding! Don't want the walls of the church falling down! *CLinK* ;P

  8. Baahaha. LOVE THIS. Great post. Really funny. Damn you Rhianna indeed.

  9. You could always get her a copy of some Marquis de Sade - Justine is a great example of S & M and not sexy at all.

  10. OK so you are lucky to have a rock chick, not a dance diva (sorry to any dance divas) - I'm trying to ensure my 5yo boy doesn't like crappy r&b stuff, so far so good but do you recommend the hands off approach, as in find out yourself what you like? Or the Play all of your music to them so it will rub off? Please help before it's too late for me! -HMx

  11. very interesting info ! .

  12. Dear God, you make me laugh. Now I'm stuck with a vision of you with clothes pegs and hot wax and even hotter firemen. There is so much wrong with music today and Rihanna is just part of it. At least she was 16. She could have been 10. Imagine the joy of the conversation at that age.


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