Jan 27, 2010

The Diet

7.30am Someone tells me about a documentary they saw on a community in the slums of Mumbai, 1 million people in 1 square mile, and I am now imagining the poop issues associated with that. Don’t need breakfast after that.
Day #1 of The Diet going well so far.

7.50am Son is now eating breakfast in front of me, smells good, can feel my appetite returning, getting hungry.
Day #1 of The Diet, wavering already....

8am Fed the kitten some rancid smelling fish concoction.
Day #1 of The Diet back on track

9.20am Making a cup of tea and I just know I’m going to eat a biscuit with it... trying really hard to resist approaching the biscuit tin. And fail.
Day #1 of The Diet is really hard.

9.21am I have opened the biscuit tin to find nothing but one broken half of a YoYo biscuit, the whole packet I opened only 2 days ago is gone, which reminds me why I wanted to start a diet in the first place.
Day #1 of The Diet, well this should be easy as long as I never have any food in the cupboards....

10.58am Drinking water and wondering if it’s too early to drink wine. My conscience tells me it is. The bottle of Houghton’s Sauvignon Blanc Semillon in the fridge tells me it isn’t. The knowledge that I don’t have a packet of potato chips to eat with the wine holds me back. Conscience and lack of munchies in the house wins again.
Day #1 of The Diet and this willpower thing is a piece of cake...oh god, I said cake...

11.01am Searching for the remains of daughter’s birthday cake. I’m sure I hid, err, put the last slice at the back of the fridge behind the healthy yoghurts. Nobody would think to look there. I have to move the bottle of wine out of the way to search and am distracted by how comfortable and chilled the bottle feels in my hand....umm, what am I looking for again?
Day #1 of The Diet and the hunger is already affecting my short-term memory.

11.39am A friend calls me to invite me out to lunch at a lovely café with scrumptious food.
Day #1 of The Diet. Diet over. Worst 4 hours ever.

Jan 7, 2010

The Fabulous Sugar Dolls...(psst, are we anything like the Pussycat Dolls?)

Both Jacinta of livemorenow and Elizabeth of whining at the world have recently (well, a while back now, oops) bestowed upon me the honour of a Sugar Doll Blogger Award. Thank you muchly ladies. I am supposed to share 10 things about myself of which you are not aware. Having recently enlightened/burdened you all with 10 rippers for a previous award (see Honest Scrap Blogger Award) I have decided to do it with a twist this time. Instead of telling you what I think/feel/believe/perceive about myself, I will share with you 10 snippets of my life that other people have said about me or to me. The good, the bad and the friggin rude.

In no particular order of timeline or significance in my life....

#1. About to head out to a Christmas dinner, son comes out of his room, looks me up and down, and says “Wow, you look semi-attractive”. I truly knew the definition of ‘inflated ego’ for about 20 seconds until he added for good measure, “Well, a shitload better than you usually do anyway”. Cue the deflated ego.

#2. I had my first hair perm. Hey it was the 80’s and I learned my lesson.... eventually. The last perm I had was during the Great Frizz of 95. Anyway, a month or so after the first one a friend approached me and said “You know, I wasn’t sure I really liked your hair with a perm but I just saw a photo of you with your hair how it was before.... and I’ve decided I really like your perm now”. She smiled at me encouragingly like she had just paid me the hugest compliment possible, turned, and flounced away. Next time I saw her she had just had her hair streaked?/tipped?/bleached?/whatever, so I said “Ooh what happened to your hair? You really should get that fixed”, smiled, turned, and flounced away.

#3. Picture it. Group of mums sitting around having a leisurely summertime lunch while the kids are all playing in the cubby house or sandpit, the champagne is flowing, the chatter is constant, the laughter is loud. We start to tell each other what opinions our husbands have of our friends. It’s all fun, polite and pleasant... “My husband always refers to you as the cute blonde one” (not me) ... “My hubby calls you the short one” (also not me)... “Mine refers to you as the one with the hot car” (again, not me)... “Mine likes you all, but can never remember any of your names” (that was my comment). Directed to me it was mostly “My husband says you crack him up, mine calls you the funny one/loud one/bubbly one/friendly one etc”. Then the yummy mummy who was probably my closest friend looked at me and said “Well my husband has always referred to you as the one with the nice boobs, he reckons there’d be a damn fine pair under there”. Several pairs of eyebrows were arched, and there came a split second of awkward silence which I broke with roaring laughter, before the others all joined in. She then leaned across, poked me in one boob and said “I agree with him.... bitch”. I snorted champagne out my nose and laughed til I cried.

#4. Husband once said to me “Your arse looks better since you lost that bit of weight, you were starting to get a real shelf back there”. And I am still married to him. And even more amazingly, he still has both of his testicles.

#5. Mother-in-law said to my husband “I like Cate, I like the relationship I have with her. She just gets in and does things, just deals with things, she always says what she thinks, you know where you stand with her” ...pauses for thought... then continues... “though sometimes she should probably just keep her mouth shut”. Sorry MIL, you can’t have it both ways.

#6. I bought a dress recently, the first one in about 10 years (I am not really a dress person, I like to wear the pants, both figuratively and for real) and when I told my daughter she said “I hope it’s long enough so it doesn’t show your mushroom cap knees ....that is why you stopped wearing dresses isn’t it?” Sigh. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

#7. One of the aforementioned lunch-mummies has been none too happy with me on many occasions due to the fact I made her laugh so much. Normally you would think this isn’t a problem, but once at a particularly amusing Christmas party whilst doing dreadful Michael Jackson impersonations on the dance floor, I made her wet her pants, literally. I also had her in such uncontrollable hysterics once that she farted, quite loudly, on a public street. She told me she eventually made a rule for herself that whenever she knew she was going to be partying with me, she would try to make sure her ‘bodily functions’ were well taken care of. She moved interstate. I think it was to save on knickers.

#8. My son told me his friends said I was a cool mum. Awesome. I floated around on that for a few minutes before I asked why. It seems it was because I had given him permission to attend an all-night gaming session at an arcade during the holidays, but the other parents had not. I thought it was a safe thing, lock-in at 8pm – 8am, they would get dropped off at the door, picked up at the door, they had mobiles to ring us if they ever had enough (as if) and wanted to come home, we could get them out at any time... etc. They didn’t end up going because of the other ‘dorky’ parents. As the conversation over my ‘coolness’ continued I discovered what the other parents knew that I did not... it was NOT a lock-in, people could come and go all night long, and it was in a very seedy part of town ... no wonder they said no. I would’ve too but I didn’t tell him that. Apparently I am only cool when I am not in possession of all the facts.

#9. My older siblings were 17, 14 and 11 when I arrived and my mother has always taken great pains to tell me I was a 'mistake'. Not a 'late-in-life surprise' or a 'lovely accident', but a mistake. This has been repeated at regular intervals to myself and anyone who would listen throughout my life. She generally goes on to say "I really should have had another one straight away, then you might not have been such a spoiled brat". It's okay, I chose her nursing home. It is run by Nurse Ratched and I think Annie Wilkes is the 2IC.

#10. Friend’s birthday party, oh god, karaoke. Lots of complete strangers, but after a few wines I didn’t care. So I sang. A lot. Even sang back-up for others. As the night wore on the other guests/singers were getting more bold with song choice, performance and were even looking away from the screen and guessing the lyrics. One of my mates whispered to me “For f***s sake, will you get back up there, grab the microphone and take over. I want to hear you sing”. Bring on that inflated ego again. I whispered back “But I thought I had a crappy voice?” “Well yeah, it’s not the best, but at least you sing the right words and you have nice boobs”. Hmmph, so I've been told.

As a footnote, I'd like to add that someone once told me “I met so-and-so’s wife today. She is so nice, really friendly. The conversation just flowed, there was never a dull moment. She’s so bubbly. She reminded me of you actually”. Awwww, nice. Sometimes people are, you know. Really, it did happen. I’m sure I didn’t dream it....

For a final twist in the tale, I won't 'pass this on' as such, since all my blog buddies have probably listed 10 things about themselves more often than they care to remember, but I will plug just a few of my favourite must-read blogs I discovered last year. Go check them out, you won't regret it.

Along with the 2 lovely ladies who gave me this award you should be reading...

The Life and Times of a Househusband Hilarious. Best. Blog. Ever.
bringing up charlie I think I love Charlie.
W.M.Morell's Musings from Down Under My cyber drinking buddy.
Meaningless Meanderings from a Madmother She will make you snort regularly.
Notes from Lapland How she even thinks let alone types in such freezing conditions I'll never know.
Holli's ramblings An entertaining snapshot of life in Ghana.

and quite frankly everyone else in my blog list, how can I possibly leave anyone out? Read them all---->



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