Nov 18, 2010

The Penis Post : You knew it was coming....

Wherever I turn lately there seems to be a penis staring back at me.

Not literally; I don't live in a Naturist Community. The desire to try that disappeared about 15 kilos ago. Especially when I saw one on TV and realised it was populated by all the people who really should not be naked. Ever.

I'm also not complaining. They just seem to be everywhere; I mean on blogs, on TV, in movies, stage shows, discussions about them both on-line and in real life. Saying the word penis and showing a live one is no longer taboo, disgusting or even impolite. <Disclaimer: This is not an invitation, I repeat, NOT an invitation. Except for.... never mind.>

Kerri Sackville wrote a blog post about penises recently that set the comments section on fire, requiring a very big hose to douse the flames. (Sorry, I won't make any more lame double entendre jokes, I promise.) Penises and vaginas were discussed at length. Ahem. It also set Twitter conversations alight as women stepped forward to describe their husbands. After a few hours there was a virtual multicultural meat platter being handed around. My commiserations to whoever it was who brought the cocktail frankfurts to the party. Don't feel too bad though, I brought SPAM.

More foreign movies, or just less censored ones, are being aired (thank you SBS) where there seems to be an endless array of body parts on display. Although flicking onto one late at night and finding the gorgeous and previously lusted-after Daniel Craig fucking a naked old lady (playing his mother-in-law *vomit*) from behind was enough to induce hideous nightmares instead of erotic orgasms.

Documentaries and medical shows like Embarrassing Bodies, which has a Penis Gallery on its website's homepage, line up men's sports teams to measure their penises, both flaccid and erect, to calculate averages and show how varied they all are. They didn't go as far as putting names and faces to the measurements; they were tallied anonymously to avoid total humiliation for Wee Willie. Shame though… there was one bloke I wouldn't have minded meeting…. meh, was probably the ugly one with the hairy arse anyway.

I was going to add to my series of "Through The Ages" … our journey through life and how our attitudes, needs and desires change depending on our age
(Taking a Woman To Bed, What Women Want In A Man, What Women Want in Other Women)… with the very original title of "What Women Want In A Penis", but I'm not certain that our penis requirements vary substantially throughout life.

Before the age of say 25-30, we want it to function constantly, be faithful, not get adjusted in public, and wear a condom.

From roughly 30 to 45, we want it to function regularly, be faithful, not get adjusted in public, and produce high quality sperm.

From 45 to about 60, we want it to just function, be faithful, not get adjusted in public, and be shooting blanks.

After 60 we just want it to remember what it's used for.

And at all ages, we want it to NOT PISS ALL OVER THE TOILET SEAT.




  1. I have no idea what you're talking about. I've never used the word 'penis' in my life.

  2. Very funny :)
    Not sure that I should have subscribed to this blog with my company email address, can be distracting :)

  3. Most days the last requirement is the only I'm interested in.

  4. I seem to have missed out on all the fun yet again... Are you sure you weren't dreaming those Twitter conversations?

  5. Ahh so true! Then there's the extra penises, the one's we've helped create or as my little guys refer to them "their magic wands".

  6. Oh, I love me a good penis ....
    Great work for keeping the penii blogs coming (pun intended), and continuing what Kerri Sackville started

  7. There's so much good blog material in a willy. I once visited a Penis Museum in Iceland: fascinating place yet somewhat dispiriting for my poor hubby ;-)

  8. LOL I needed that smile. A good penis post can do wonders for a girl's day. :)

  9. True, Kerri Sackville HAS never used the word 'penis'. She usually says "penispenispenis"

    Great blog!

  10. Tsk, if you ladies insist on a dry toilet seat, you really need to stop leaving it down. When will you all learn?
    HIlarious as always.

  11. Did other people go straight to the Embarrassing Bodies website or was it just me?

    Great post, Cate.

  12. Great post! Re: naturists. Remember a great description once: "They are either too fat or too thin, and covered with pale blue bruises."
    Eww - get your clothes on.

  13. I think there's another essential requirement for a penis - to be clean!

    Lots of nudity near us down in Cap d'Agde, with two conflicting groups - the hairy nudists with flabby m/boobs and earnest expressions; and swingers with enhanced boobs, salacious expressions and no body hair. So I'm told :)

  14. I don't know - is it just me or is there something vaguely disturbing about a six-foot pink penis with menacingly large teeth and a vacuous expression? (I know, I know - they *all* have vacuous expressions.)

    It quite took my mind off the post for a few minutes, which was a shame 'cos it was really farking funny.

    I've got to say, though, I was really disappointed about the language in this post. There weren't nearly enough rude words. 'Penis' is anatomically correct and flaccid. Slap in a few cocks and I'll be much happier...

  15. Ha Ha, thanks for the laughs.
    I could add we don't want a penis that's determined to chase after other penises....

  16. I'm starting to think Daniel Craig might be a touch on the deviant side because I also turned on a movie the other night starring him. It was near the end and he was swapping spit with a scruffy Welshman. What a slut! :)

  17. Wait, I shouldn't piss on the toilet seat?

  18. firstly, i think that European movies are just showing life a bit more as it is, and sex scenes too. i love sbs, but then i AM European. in Germany, where nudity was the NORM in the East on the beach, you can actually see a lot of hot people too, just sayin'. (my godmother is 78 and still went naked every morning this summer. not hot maybe, but definitively very cool)
    also, i wouldn't mind seeing Mr Craigs Penis, oh yes. and as for all other penises, i would like to add : given how women increasingly go through all sort of pain and effort to be groomed, some men could REALLY have at least a bit of a haircut from time to time. yuck!

  19. I may not yet be in this age group, but it's want I want - the blanks particularly!!!! "From 45 to about 60, we want it to just function, be faithful, not get adjusted in public, and be shooting blanks."

    Penis. I just wanted to write that!

  20. I have to admit, I kind of want it to NOT jump up and prod me in whatever body part happens to be close by whenever I just want a bit of comfort. I know it's there, I really don't need the reminder every five minutes!

  21. What is this "penis" you speak of? I don't think I've seen one since I peed on a stick and got two little blue lines... (I swear my hubby is the only straight man in the world who doesn't think pregnancy is sexy...)

  22. Thanks for the smiles.

    'And at all ages, we want it to NOT PISS ALL OVER THE TOILET SEAT.'


  23. If you've ever seen the problems that two (or sometimes three or four) fireman have struggling to control the direction of one of those giant high pressure hoses, you'll understand why some of us often fail to be 100% accurate in finding the hole in the toilet.

    As if!


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