Jul 4, 2010

Diary of a Narcissistic Blogger




MONDAY: Happy, happy day. Check all statistical information on the blog. Follower numbers, Clustrmaps, Google Analytics, StatCounter, SiteMeter, MyBlogLog, BigBrotherIsWatching, ILoveMyBlogYouShouldToo, IfYouUnfollowMeIWillTrackYouDown, etc. Chart, graph and analyse everything, so I know exactly what new traffic came to me last week. Where they came from, what they looked at, how long they stayed, what connections they have and how much money they have in off-shore bank accounts. Amazing what you can find out these days.

Negotiate new deal with blog sponsor. Offer to review products positively in exchange for cash, vouchers and advertising my blog. Sure, I can review the new strollers and pushchairs. What? I need to have a baby? Search for new sponsor.

Send out 127 emails offering advertising space to new clients. Tell them to Google me and see how popular I am.

Change header in an attempt to be modern and fresh. Change it back when I reflect that I am a ‘brand’ and shouldn’t confuse people. Change it back and forth at least 17 times. Decide to leave it; my people love my blog no matter how it looks. Get nervous about that decision. Change it again.

Add a black and white photo of myself that makes me look cool and sexy. Delete the photo when I realise it makes me look old and grainy.

Fiddle with fonts and colours for a while, try to get that “LOOK AT ME” thing happening. Give up when I notice the psychedelic look I choose gives the dog seizures.

Stay up past midnight obsessing about getting my blog to fit my personality, and past 1am when I decide my personality doesn’t matter, it’s all about what sells.

Collapse into bed knowing I’ve done all I can to please my audience and push my product, secure in the knowledge that the post I have scheduled to publish in the morning will generate immense interest, and more importantly, bring me the blog love.


TUESDAY: Wake up in a panic at 5.47am when it dawns on me that in my fixation with my blog’s presentation, I didn’t even write a blog post. Stumble to laptop. I can do this, I am an awesome writer. Blank. Panic. I post every Tuesday morning, my public expect it. There’ll be an outcry if I don’t. They’ll be wondering what’s happened to me, terrified that I’m ill, dead, or worse; that I’ve lost my touch.

Send message to my Blog Publicity Guru, namely Lois, the butcher’s assistant from Phoenix whom I met on Twitter, who didn’t finish high school but adores my blogs, so she must be intelligent. And her fifth (and current as at Friday) husband drives an icecream van; he’s a man of the world, he'll help. Throw ideas for blog subjects at her and wait for her response.

“No honey, do NOT write yet another post about Twitter, it’s been around for years now and has been hacked to death, a bit like this carcass I’m leanin’ on. You done seven of ‘em already. Etiquette, followers, spammers, stalkers, the pros, the cons, a funny twist or a serious one; trust me babydoll, Twitter’s been blogged about. Unless you’re changin’ your blog to one o’ them Social Media Columns? No, I didn’t think so. Don’t do it. As my first husband, may he rest in peace, used to say whenever anyone stared at his incredibly large genitalia package, “You can mention it, but don’t harp on about it, it just gets embarrassin' for all concerned.””

Sob. “What then?”

“Darlin, what did you do on the weekend? Write about that. I have to get back to work, the boss wants me to handle his sausage meat today. And I mean that in every way you’re thinkin’.”

What DID I do all weekend? I saw a movie, read a book, and was fixated on my blog for the rest of the time. A book and movie review then. Type. Fast. Choose catchy title, relevance to post unimportant. Do what sells. Publish by 7.15am.

Sit back and wait for the accolades.

Check comments after 15 minutes. Frown. Post link to blog on Facebook and Twitter. Sit back and wait for the accolades. Google myself while waiting.

Check comments after another 15 minutes. Frown. Check to see if ‘Comments’ section is working on the blog. Frown.

Sigh. Go back on Twitter and send blog link to regular followers. Reliable people who never let me down. People with nothing better to do. Sit back and wait for the accolades.

Check comments after another 15 minutes. Yes. 2 comments. Smile. Bask in the glow of knowledge that I am loved and well-respected by my followers. Lois and her husband have not let me down.

Monitor progress throughout the day. Mutter reaffirming chants.
I am a great blogger. My fans love me. I am a great blogger. My fans love me.


WEDNESDAY: Ignore breakfast, hot shower and toothbrush. Blog is more important. Check statistics.

Not bad, 41 visits, could be better. If there had been boobs in the movie or book and I could’ve mentioned them, it would have cracked at least 50. Make note to exaggerate and falsify facts next time.

Check comments. What? Only 9? Check Twitter. What? Only 2 retweets and 2 mentions?
That’s a Blog Love Ratio of only 31.707%. Frown.

Go on Twitter and post link again. Do what sells. Engage in conversation with people who have commented in the past, whether I like them or not. Remember, personality doesn’t matter, statistics do. Drop hints. Mention I saw a movie and read a book. “What did I think of them? Well go read my blog and find out. Here’s the link. Leave a comment and please retweet if enjoyed.”

Get off Twitter when the blog has received several responses. Do not saturate the marketplace yet. Save that for tomorrow.

Sit back and wait for the accolades. Check comments after 15 minutes. Frown. Accept the fact I will have to go wholesale blog-whoring some time soon.

Note to self: When next on Twitter, remember to retweet other people’s blogs. Reading them first is of course optional. I might read and comment on them later when I have absolutely nothing better to do, but probably not. It’s the sucking up that’s important. They will in turn feel obliged to read and then retweet my blogs, even if they are rubbish, but I’ll get more readers and comments, and that’s what it’s all about.

Check emails. 126 rejections. One offer of advertising from a company which makes female incontinence products.

Consider stealing neighbour's toddler to become a mummy blogger. Dismiss idea when I remember the kid is kinda ugly.

Almost decide to take part in Worthless Wordless Wednesday for attention. Almost.

Buy vodka.


THURSDAY: Forget how long it’s been since I ate, showered, brushed my teeth or hair. Blog is more important. Check statistics.

More visitors. Reasonable but not giving me a warm glow. Two new followers. Meh.

Check comments. Moan a little. Total is only 14. Check Twitter. A couple of mentions. Blog Love Ratio now stands at only 28.571%. Frown.

Breathe deeply into a brown paper bag. Struggle to remember affirmations.
I am a great love. My fans blogger me. I am a love blogger. My greats fan me.

Debate with inner voices over posting a follow-up blog. Feel desperate need to get back on top of everybody’s blogrolls. Send message to Lois. Search for anti-anxiety medication while waiting for response.

“Lawdy darlin’, please tell me you are not seriously considerin’ doin’ one o’ them rantin’an’ ravin’ pieces about how nobody comments on your blog. Baby, that is a sure fire way to scare off them kind folks who do take the time to suck up. As my second husband, may he rest in peace, used to say when he was my pimp, “You don’t get the bees to the beehive by screamin’ an’ hollerin’ at them, you gotta behave like a Queen and offer up some sweet honey.” Good luck girl, I gotta go, boss wants me to do some meat tastin’. And yes, before you ask.”

Sigh. Do what sells. Change into blog-whoring clothes. Red lace lingerie and black kimono. Ugg boots.

Start reading blogs, and.. *groan*.. leave comments. Drink vodka chasers to steel the nerves.
Try not to cringe every time I write comments like...
“LOL!”
“I feel your pain :( ”
“Great pic! Gotta love Wordless Wednesday!”
“Wonderful post about Twitter, I had never heard all that before”
“I know exactly how you feel, my children had pooing-in-public-toilet issues too”
“I agree, your Uncle Gilbert suggesting Naked Charades every time he babysat you was probably inappropriate.”

On extra long posts, just read the first and last paragraphs, and comment on something there. Pray that it makes sense.

Swear loudly every time a word verification is required.

Sit back and wait for the reciprocation. Google myself again.

Check comments after 15 minutes. Squint. Screen is blurry. Check vodka bottle. Empty. Phone somebody. Anybody. Complain that nobody loves me. Hang up when I imagine I hear Lois’ third husband, may he rest in peace, telling me "Girl, it's all about the art. Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."

Make note to never phone the dead penniless sculptor of play-doh phallic symbols again.

Notice that dog has left me and moved in with ugly toddler's family.

Fall asleep in a drunken stupor.


FRIDAY: Crawl to laptop. Wipe hands on kimono. Wipe tongue on carpet.

Check statistics and comments. Struggle to work out percentages.

Blink hard. 23.5955%. Mutter affirmation.
I blogger my fans am a love great me.

Reach for new bottle of vodka and medication. Send message to Lois.

Don’t even hear the sirens as they approach the house.

Open my eyes to see Lois’ fourth husband, may he rest in peace, standing over me, saying, “Darlin’, as my Lois used to say to me every day of our marriage, right up til the day I was run down by that unidentified icecream van, “Honey, you need to get a life. Preferably some place away from here.””






Any resemblance to bloggers, living or dead, is purely deliberate coincidental.

56 comments:

  1. LOL! I feel your pain! Wonderful post about Twitter!

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  2. Cannot possibly comment as refuse to suck up. Obviously only had time to read first and last paragraphs anyway...

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  3. I'm a lurker on your blog. Actually, I lurk on almost all the blogs I follow, instead of actually posting a comment. "Get to know others in the blogging community" Blogger says. Eh, if someone stumbles across my blog and they like it, that's good enough for me! No use advertising myself!

    Which is why even though I don't generally do it, I comment here now. I can't help but tell you how much I love this post! ;)

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  4. OMG this made me laugh - yet the tragic thing is, I know someone on blogger who really is that obsessed with stats and followers!

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  5. I actually read it all - yes, I gotto get a life...
    Well since I actually DO write for myself (since I have hardly any subscribers :( ), I cannot relate to this at all - what a sad existence you must lead :)
    The only time I did check my stats on a Friday night (opened page by accident, I might add) I found out that Germans search for "dance naked" a lot at that time - I laughed at their imagined disappointed faces when they found my poem blog...
    Now where's that bottle Shiraz gone? It has to get me through a few more posts...

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  6. Cate, I suspect you were sitting in my pocket as you wrote that.....

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  7. Stop fecking stalking me will ya, can't a girl check her stats every now and again without you hanging over her shoulder? Jeez!

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  8. Comments make us feel good hey? Except for when they are from horrible people saying horrible things. Trolls I believe.

    I need to have a look at this statistic malarkey. :)

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  9. I'm with you!!! You post, I'll look, pinky promise.

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  10. Haha. I have days like day one and two. Sometimes. If I really honest with myself. And don't even get me started on comments.

    Funny, funny post.

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  11. Just as an FYI...I don't expect a thing ANYday, other than I'm sure to get a few "reminders" (via Twitter-of course)when the latest edition hits the streets. Hurry, Hurry, Hurry! - step right up..The Ozzie gal has had a few (again) and it just pours out the fingers. Quite entertaining actually & I'm beginning to tell the difference between the Wine vs. Vodka fueled repartee'.
    Speaking of fuel {*As in"to the fire") , I see you're collecting all kinds of nifty awards now as well.Does that bring out a frenetic Blog-havior & make you look harder at the luggage in the mirror?..or perhaps more importantly, order ever increasing amounts libation? After all...your public expects it.BwaaaaaHaha

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  12. I note you've moved from vino to the harder stuff. Loved it all but especially the bit about RT whether or not you'd read it !!!

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  13. LOL...OMG...I'd wondered why you were chattin' me up! You just wanted me to come and read your blog! Wellll...*CHEERS* then; cause it was bloody funny! As always...I was chuckling to myself thinking...I kept RT-ing it but didn't have time to get over to read it! In retrospect; that's kinda funny! :) {{{HUGS}}}

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  14. You can go and have that shower now, because, frankly, you are beginning to get a bit whiffy.

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  15. I wanna check my stats - how do I do it??? - HMx

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  16. LOL! I used to mix vodka and xanax too! (Crap, I hope that makes sense...)

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  17. your comment ratings a bit.

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  18. Ha Ha.

    delurking, love your blog

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  19. I'm gonna suck up bad on this one. It's brilliant. Im gonna tweet it and you can't stop me. Of course funny, but not realistic....(races off to see whether you've checked my blog after reading this comment)...

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  20. I am being completely honest when I say I believe this is the best blog post I have ever read. So I don't know what else to say except: THANK YOU for a great laugh!!!

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  21. Brilliant :)
    You're going to come visit my blog now, right?
    And be my BFF on twitter?
    Phew.

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  22. Very very funny! Can identify with some of it *cough*, especially the vodka bit, although I tend to buy gin.

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  23. How funny!!...thats excactly where I am at at the moment. Your honoured this is the first blog I have left a comment on! Scary..am I doing it right...am I funny enough...will anyone read this...do I sound like a mental...what do I do next...I did good, I did good...

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  24. I'm not leaving a comment, I know you hate them.

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  25. I haven't read your whole post, obviously, but the last paragraph was funny. Come and see mine!

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  26. ps thank goodness you don't have word verification on your blog. It's such a trial!

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  27. I'm writing this comment so you will come visit my blog and feel obligated to comment on it. Um...I mean I love this post. The first and the last paragraphs were especially interesting.

    (Seriously though...this was too funny!)

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  28. Oh crap! I was thinking of starting a blog but it sound like its not the way forward for someone with a mild case of OCD.

    x

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  29. Spectacularly brilliant. You have a new follower. Now you can head off and check my offshore bank accounts! A-m xx

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  30. It worked! Someone tweeted about you, I clicked, I read! Mind you, only got up to Wednesday...no staying power ;-)

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  31. Read with interest as I am thinking about taking the plunge into blogging. Great insight. I'm scared.

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  32. Hi, have been wandering through the vodka induced fog since this morning and have only just found you (;-))

    Can you introduce me to Lois?

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  33. See what you did there. Write a really long post to reduce your bounce rate. Smart. Clearly I would NEVER do that. No I just blog for the love of it of course. Couldn't give a damn if anyone reads it or not. Really. Oh yes. Absolutely certain of that.

    So, erm, come and say hi. Perhaps? Please?

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  34. Bloody Great! You had me in stitches and boy do I need a laugh tonight. Puts things right into perspective. Cheers. Mich x Ps - what is your % on this one then?

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  35. hehe found you via someone on twitter.

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  36. LOL. no seriously.
    this is funny shit.
    I'm still in that new blogger needing affirmations from complete strangers via comments phase. At least I thought it was a phase. now I'm scared.
    Thanks for reminding me I need a shower though.

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  37. Brilliant.

    I should probably write more than that, but you know.

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  38. What a week! I need a rest after just reading about it :)

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  39. Now I feel tired. Too tired to... um... I was going to...

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  40. Fab funny! Almost couldn't read some of it I was laughing so much. Thanks! x

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  41. Oh
    My
    God
    Depends Pad STAT. In love with you for sure - even more than before. Have chest pains from laughing. New Guru Alert!
    OXXOOXOXO

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  42. that. THAT. Is friggen hysterical! And I even read every last word.

    You had me at statistics. Rockstar legend. Really truly. Without even googling.

    Bloody brilliant!

    :)

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  43. Love it, Cate! Brilliant post!

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  44. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  45. Sometimes for things to change, we have to change, another of Jim's famous sayings, which again is so true. If you find you have a certain mindset, how are you going to get what you want if you have the same mindset in place and haven't managed to change. If you see things the same, but wonder why you don't have success in your life, is it because you have not really changed your outlook on life.

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  47. That was a hilarious post! I just dropped by from you interview with the LG Report! Funny stuff!

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