Every year this message is thrust at us from Martha Stewart-esque types, who seem to be able to turn a piece of twine, a jar of glitter and some florist's foam into a one metre diameter sparkling wreath with leaping reindeer and twirling angels who sing O Little Town Of Bethlehem.
I can do that.
And every year, these are the famous last words I utter before I am found, two hours later, rocking in the corner, with crushed green foam under my fingernails, knotted twine glued to my hair, and a glittery cleavage which is heaving as I sob to the tune of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.
No, I don't mean smooch. It's an acronym.
Keep It Simple, Stupid.
I saw a simple decoration this year that made me say I can do that with swagger.
It's just a stick and ribbons, right?
I can do that.
I raced out into the yard to find a stick (to be honest, I mean I wandered outside to put an empty wine bottle in the recycle bin a few days later and happened to tread on a stick which looked like it needed decorating) and raided my box of ribbons.
This was the result...
Ok....so it needed work. So did my nails.
Look, I admit I didn't try very hard. I used the lengths of ribbon as I found them without any cutting and I had started the next bottle of wine. The stick wasn't even straight, for fuck's sake.
I showed it to my Facebook friends and we all had a good laugh at me. I figured that one day it would make a hilariously pathetic NAILED IT meme, along with all the other numpties who try to make things they see on Pinterest, like these...
I decided to try a bit harder. That meant putting the wine away and finding some scissors. I kept the same stick though. Because I didn't need to go out to the bin again.
Come on, it was an improvement.
So I quit fiddling with it. I decided I needed to build up to it slowly and not rush. I needed to approach it sensibly, methodically, and soberly.
And fuck it, I needed a straight stick.
Eventually, I had to venture out to the bin again, and hunted for a new stick. I calmly and quietly redid the whole thing, I even ironed the fucking ribbons (that was a chore, I hadn't touched the iron for months), and finally....
I actually nailed it. Properly.
With added partridge. You know the song...a partridge in a ribbon tree....
I was so chuffed with myself.
Until...jeez....it's a STICK. And some RIBBONS.
Whoop de fricken doo.
So tune in next week, and I'll show you how I'm taking a coat hanger, two ping pong balls, and a roll of faulty aluminium foil, and making THIS*.......
(*rest assured, I'm bullshitting. I'd need more than two ping pong balls)